It’s funny

how time really does speed up

when you want it to stop.

How an hour at work can feel like a day,

but a day at Disneyland can feel like an hour.

People always say, “Live everyday like it’s your last.”

But what happens when that day actually comes?

What am I supposed to do?

There are 24 hours in a day,

and yet never enough hours in the day.

So how do I spend the last hour?

I could eat my favorite food or snack.

That could be nice.

Go out eating something I love.

Or should I try something I’ve never had

or always wanted to try?

Experience something new.

But what should I choose?

There’re so many things I haven’t tried

...but I don’t have the time to choose.

And what if I hate it

or it makes me sick?

Not exactly how I would like to spend my last hour.

No food.

What else is there?

Do I tell that guy, I’ve liked him for weeks?

Do I go off on my manager?

Do I call every single family member and tell them, “I love you”?

But is that enough?

What good will it do either of us if I confess now?

I can’t bring him with me.

What if he’s already taken?

If I go off on my manager, will they themself change?

Will I just make things worse for my co-workers,

or will I actually make things better?

As for my family, even if I call them,

will a simple “I love you” be enough?

Will they feel and understand just how much I love them with those three words?

So many questions that I won’t know the answers to.

It seems all I’ve done in this last hour is reflect on what I should’ve done.

I’m at least grateful for the things I have done.

But now, it feels as though they weren’t enough.

So, I guess they were right.

Live everyday like it’s your last.

Because the last thing you want at the end...

is regrets.

Why am I embarrassed? Why is it so hard to talk about being a Christian outside of the church? Why is it hard to even say “God” or “Jesus” outside of saying, “Oh my God” or “Jesus!” without feeling weird about it? Why can’t I just close my eyes before a test and say a quiet prayer? Is it because I’m afraid that people will start keeping a closer eye on me to see how I’m living my life; like if I “slip up” I’ll get hit with a, “That wasn’t very Christian-like!” There’s nothing wrong with being a Christian and having fun...so why do I act like there is?

Why the embarrassment?

Why can’t I be open about it? Why can’t I say, “God bless you,” or “Ask God to help you,” to random strangers, or even my friends? Do I not want to make the people who don’t go to church or don’t go to church a lot feel uncomfortable? But that can’t be it because it’s not like I’m about to preach a whole sermon to them. I just want to simply say, “God has blessed me.” But I end up saying,

“I’m so lucky.”

I know I shouldn’t shun the Lord like that, especially since he never shuns me. And trust me, I’ve done plenty for him to. But he doesn’t. So why do I? It’s like I’m a closeted-Christian and I only come out at church or at home. Like I don’t want anyone to know. But I do want people to know. So why don’t I show it? Because I’m afraid to show it.

Why the embarrassment?

Now, I could give the “educational” (more like deluded) reasoning and say:

Maybe I’m afraid because for millennia the world has had religion, mainly Catholic and Christian, thrown in the face and shoved down their throat and now they just don’t want to hear it anymore. They’re rebelling against us! They’re not gonna take it anymore! We live in America where we’re free to do and worship whatever, whoever, and whenever we want! So why am I not partaking in this?!

Why the embarrassment?

Why is it so easy for my parents and aunts and uncles to talk about God to anyone? Is it because they grew up in a different time than me? Is it because they’re older and they’re not trying to impress anyone? Or is it simply because I’m still a “baby Christian?” But isn’t that just an excuse? It’s not like I’m a videogame character who’s waiting to unlock the no-shame-power-up. I don’t have to be this way. I shouldn’t be this way. There’s no reason for me to want to hide my faith. It’s not outlawed or forbidden; yet I treat it like it is.

Why the embarrassment?

I keep telling myself I’m not ashamed by the Lord, but is that completely true? But if someone were to come up to me and say, “Are you a Christian?” or “Do you love the Lord?” I would say yes to both of those; no doubt. Yet, it would be hard for me to talk about those in casual conversation. Why? Honestly, I don’t know. Embarrasment?

But...

Why the embarrassment?