If one morning I decided to write about love,

It would be about you.

I'm not a love poet,

But words come alive when I think about you.

Your eyes radiate the most beautiful light.

Your lips are like strings.

You are music that I would play on repeat.

You are an angel sent from heaven.

In my eyes your heart is pure.

I hope to get to know you more.

With beauty like Aphrodite.

I wonder if I'll have a chance even if I'm not a Deity.

I know loving you probably feels like Christmas morning.

Calm, but always exciting.

Never too stressful but just enough.

That's probably why you felt like a present when we first met.

You must be the only force that pushes me beyond the threshold of dying. You're something that I have been holding on for too long even if my spirit has given up. There were times I felt like letting go, and my heart would just hang upon the tip of my toe - waiting to fall, to break into the shards. But if I did let go, will I still live until now? I hope you'd come into my door as my other half, so I would really believe that you exist in forms of souls. If you were human, I guess you'll be the only person who will never let go of my hand. And letting you go would hurt as much as living half a life, something will always be missing. Just like how I feel about missing a puzzle piece - it's unsatisfying and disturbing.

Hope, if there's something I'm thankful for, it would be when you light up the night sky in millions of stars, because yo ulet me see through darkness, ray of light, and every time a star falls from your grasp, you give me the chance to believe in my wishes and prayers again.

Love, Joshua

Not a prose, this is me looking back on the things I learned while being single for 3 years after my last relationship. I chose to look back at it today and write about what I've learned and what I could do better. My last relationship was great but it taught me I wasn't the person that I thought I was. I was very immature, very complacent, very ungrateful, and I took everything I had for granted. Looking back if I was given the chance to redo everything I did I probably would change a lot of the things I did back then. But I'm somewhat grateful for the bad times, it has made me realize that I'm not exactly the guy I thought I was. The past 3 years of being single has taught me a lot that I would have never figured out if I was constantly craving and looking for that attention of a significant other only for it to turn out sour. I found myself enjoying my own company and realized that I lacked communication and patience in my last relationship. I've struggled with trauma and a lot of selfishness stemmed from it. I was constantly clingy and over-protective in a way that it did not make my girlfriend comfortable without me realizing she felt that way. She loved me and she taught me how to be a better person but there's only so much you could do trying to fix people while being in a relationship, and so when the relationship was over I tried to find myself and look for the root of the problems. They were not that hard to find as I was already made aware of what they were, it was just a matter of trying to fix them.

For context, I was really immature to the point where I would constantly need my significant other's location at all times, and know who she is with and the people she talks to. I don't ever use my trauma to excuse that because I know I was wrong, but a part of me felt the need to tell that to her and know every move because I was afraid of being left alone and I didn't realize that was what was pushing her away. I've done a lot of wrong in my life but my relationships with people who want nothing but good for me has always been one of my greatest regrets. I lived my whole life taking it day by day but sometimes it's hard to get over a lot of things especially when you're struggling from a lot of mental health issues. I don't ever wanna use it as an excuse though, I was a shitty person and an even worst boyfriend.

Fastforward to the journey and to today, I feel like a different person albeit still working on myself everyday because I know I'm still not where I wanna be. I constantly am trying to work on myself because I don't think I'm ever satisfied where I'm at. And to be honest, I'm ready to go back into the dating world again, I don't think I have any baggages to carry, nor am I looking for one just to fill a void. I genuinely think I'm ready to start over. Learning to share my space and relying on another person is gonna be a challenge but that's something I'm ready to pursue. I've found myself, I've understood my fears, and I'm ready to stay the course to the path of commitment. I don't think anyone's ever ready to be in a relationship but the best we can do is give what we got to the one we're in and I'm ready to do just that despite still having to work on a few things that I'm still struggling with.

The truth comes out after a while

I promise to love you until I die.

A heart so divine,

I will forever hold on to this ride

The spilled ink coming out of these fragile hands

Are forever yours

Although these words are not mine

I promise you that this is true

I am forever yours

And you are forever mine

The beauty of this languid reverie

In which only you can see

You are my walking atlas.

Even when I am lost,

Just the sight of you,

I am home.

And I think that we are natural disasters

Natural disasters that are only remembered,

When the tragedy has passed after years of grief,

Destroyed homes in a brief

I think that is you and me

I am the natural disaster

And you are remembering me

Forever and always, are our memories

Saw you outside my window, the same beautiful face I look at to get me going through out the day. You radiate beauty in all forms and you are breathtaking. I remembered one morning, woke up and saw you across the street. You tripped because you were attacked by fluffy dogs and your clumsiness and excitement over seeing them got the best of you. And I thought to myself that you were the cutest person I have ever seen in my entire life and I would do anything in my power to make you mine. I asked you out, you said yes. And just like that you were mine.

Months have passed and I'm still in love with you as you are to me. There were never really dull moments when we were together and I was so sure you were the person that I was going to end up with. I love it when you're clumsy, I love it when you take polaroids of me asleep with saliva dripping out my mouth, I love it when you surprise me with the little things, I love it when you pick up random flowers we pass by, I love it when it's you. I'm so blessed to be stuck with you. You don't know how much you turned my life around, all the roses have meaning now, and every meaningless place we went to had memories. This is it, this is it. The highlight of my life, the day I've waited for, it has finally arrived and it's all thanks to you.

A year has passed and I can no longer feel you there, was it something that I've done? What happened to the polaroids? What happened to the flowers? What happened to the you I've met? What happened to us? What were you afraid of? Was there something that happened? If ever the love you gave wasn't for me, I wish I stopped assuming. But you made it so difficult for me not to believe it because you made it look so genuine. But I'm glad you're happy now, despite the shattered memories, despite not being able to go back to the places where we had left memories of, despite not being with you anymore. At least there was a moment in my life when you were mine, and if that's all you'll ever be, I'm priviliged to have lived that life.

What do you do when the person you trust would be the one who brings you down?

What do you do when all the bad decisions you've made in life, did not turn out to be the last one?

I am tired.

I am.

The recession.

The withdrawal.

The hate.

The love.

The wrong decisions.

I am tired.

It seems like there's no other way out but death.

This is a cry for help, this is a cry for help.

I am tired.

I am human.

I make more mistakes than you do on a daily basis.

I regret my existence more than you do on a daily basis.

I am tired.

I am so tired of living in this world that has not done me any good.

I am so tired of living the life I wanted in order to destroy it on my own.

I am tired.

These spilled ink are a cry for help.

I am tired.

Help me.

I am tired.

I want to end my life.

I am tired.

Of all these bad decisions.

I am tired.

Help me.

I am tired.

These cigarettes can't burn my past.

I am tired.

Alcohol cannot drown my mistakes.

I am tired.

I no longer am happy.

I am sorry.

But I am tired of living.

You,

staring at the black walls around,

remembering that it was you who painted it

drowning in waters.

stuck under rain clouds and disasters.

let me tell you that I have once felt the same way you did.

Helpless.

Stuck.

Worthless.

incapable of being worthy,

lost in the light,

not knowing the meaning of being happy.

neglected by the ones I loved.

but let me tell you this, no matter how worst it gets,

no matter how much the world turns its back on you

you always have the choice of being happy,

and you can always go back to the way things were.

because sometimes in the darkest skies,

we see the brightest stars.

You don't deserve to live a solitary life,

you don't deserve to wait around and drown in the ocean you have created on your own

you don't deserve to succumb to the darkness that has made you suffer long enough

you don't deserve to hide around the words that people will never notice

you don't deserve to wear sadness on your skin.

You, you deserve to be happy.

You deserve all the beautiful things in the world,

you deserve to live life to the fullest

you deserve to not worry about the darkest days of your life

you deserve to be you,

you deserved to be loved.

and though I may be some random stranger that has yet to know who you are,

but I do know this, everyone deserves to live a happy life.

you deserve everything.

you deserve the love you are given,

you deserve the life you are given.

At the end of the day,

there's always a light at the end of the tunnel

sometimes we just have to wait to get through it.

You told me stories of how people never had a good story in their life or how sophisticated it is to live one.

That it's unachievable, that it is not probable to actually obtain something so beautiful.

For you, there was not one person in this world who has and had a good story.

You were always so negative, not appreciating what was in front of you, all the gifts you have trying to entertain you.

But you, you are my story and you will always be.

The shooting star at night, the one I would always wish for. The light in my darkness, and all the cliché bullshit the world has witnessed and has gotten bored of listening and reading all the time. And I know, I know that these words mean nothing to you anymore, but it offends me to hear someone I love the most not noticing the impact she has in my life on this crazy roller coaster ride that is filled with ups and downs that we have decided to call "life".

I am eternally grateful for clearing the blight, for your existence.

I know why you were sent into this world, because you were the message I needed in my life.

I was your pages,

and you are my story.

I thought as well,

As I touched your hands

They turned cold

And I am in my own world again

Thinking,

The what could have been's

The what if's

If I could have just been a better person

We could have been greater

You could have been mine

But what use are the what if's

If reality is your adversary

Now I just sit here

Senseless -

Unbecoming of who I used to be

With the past haunting me

Painting its own picture

And I am its subject

With words written of what could have been

"Us"

The silence of the night,

your voice of despair

left me bewildered alone

it is where I found peace

even if it killed me