Sometimes there is so much bullshit in the world that it takes a force of nature to move

But forces come in waves

And energy takes time to accumulate

And in those moments of waiting

What is one supposed to do

What can I do

What can you do

What will happen in the end

Where am I when the shit hits the fan

I'm at work

I'm smoking a cigarette

I'm unable to provide for you

My emotional unavailability is killing you

But I'm trying

Burning buildings, gasoline

Our dreams our fears are petrol fiends

I'm reason not to believe

In the lies you tell yourself

I'm over, past the peak I feel

More hungry as I eat this meal

I'm dying now, it's overkill

"Better to serve in heaven,

Than reign in hell"

But this hell I hope for

Is filled with angels

With bitterness, the friends I've left behind

And this world I live in

(Has turned the tables)

The peace I search for ain't inside no fuckin sign

I saw her in Reno parked outside a Cathedral

I asked her what happened to God

"How can I believe in someone so mean,

My child gave in and got lost"

I asked her what happened, the pigs shot him laughing,

She'd been doped up for three years I guess

So it goes to show, this world's a hole

Try and splendor inside it's mess

waiting at the DMV is kind of like

waiting to get served at the bar or

waiting for the end of the world or

waiting for the radio to join you in the bath

it's inevitable but nothing lasts this long

nothing prepares you for the governmental void that sucks the life out of your being

what's the opposite of being alive

being at the DMV

give me my ticket number

or give me death

There is a brief sense of loneliness we all feel when everybody goes to sleep. It washes over us, like an Epsom salt bath, a warm blanket, an ecstatic lover

It's easier to escape than most days, but it's the calm before the storms that you need to keep under the radar. So as, no one, can see you, struggling.

It's hard hiding the obvious so when you do, it starts with a lie then another one, then another one. But seasoned vets understand that there needs to be some truth, just not the whole truth.

Because who really believes what they're told?

Are you scared to open up again because their rejection is even more present?

Do you refuse to believe that anyone cares for you anymore?

You are matter in the centrifuge and it's ramming particles, the seams are about to burst and here you are. Sitting there.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Drugs feel like sex for the lonely. Pain is just a dopamine blast for the insane, but there are no requirements to be 'crazy' anymore. Although it's dated, there were guidelines for mental disorders. Hell, being homosexual got you a part in sociopathy. There's no definitive problem with the likes of my people. We are stricken with disorder and chaos and we do our best to fight through it, to mold shapes out of sand. We stand up when everything in our bodies tell us to sit.

Pain is an addictive chemical that those of us who had the pleasure of being born in a first world country are made to deal with and anyone who tries to debate the fact is struggling with an addiction they don't accept. Forgive the third person narrative, but it is not gender specific. It's doing drugs, it's having sex and it's working out. The burn of stretched muscles, the prick of a new needle and the penetration of a wonderful, nubile body. It's all centered in the same thing, our self centered cravings for pleasure and the selfish torment of not realizing those goals.

In that case, what can a legion of human beings do, juggling our selfishness with our own depression based on our limitations and shortcomings involving the people we love. I feel like a fool, learning all of this over again, but the fact of the matter remains the same: don't be afraid to be happy.

     Nothing could stop her when she got that lustful glaze in her eyes, nothing could tie her back down to the ground, so he used his belt. He stripped her down first and kissed her forehead, whispering into her, "it's going to be fine. Do you trust me?"

     She nodded, the pleasure of feeling his rubber belt against her wrists drove her crazy. She wanted his mouth against her body, she wanted him to take her into his command.

     Without missing a beat, his hands glided over her stomach and between her legs, smothering her warmth, squeezing her just to push her over the edge. Her whimpers and moans told him she had been living with sadness her entire life and there was only one plausible cure for the tears slipping from inside her thighs. She pleaded with him, "Taste me, baby."

     His composure changed and neither of them were in control anymore and the pain and the fears and the emotions were hands that manipulated, their heavy breathing and earnestness came from their broken hearts and both desperately wanted to fill that void that had plagued them for their entire lives; the world around them disappeared in a fever sweat and her screams began to find footing, not in despair, but in love and her hands squeezed at the mattress, craving her lover's body.

I am a monster, a product of a free market, useless until I can scrape up some profit value.

I am an artist, a creator of stories, legends, landscapes, but talk is cheap and it's the only thing I know.

I am a survivor, finding what little meaning I can in the mundane no matter how small I actually am.

I am a fool, to think that I was any different? I am insecure, and the world doesn't revolve around me.

I am just like everyone else,

but I'm unlike anything here.

Cigarettes are the constant reminder

That I still want to die

No matter how stubborn my will to live is

It states me in the face when I wake up in a coughing fit

Or when my voice gives out

It's the delicate balance between 

Pain and pleasure

Life and death

And how closely these ideas are linked 

Because what is one without the other

Pleasure flourishes as pain regulates

As death is just over the horizon

There is beauty in truth

Truth in beauty

There are complexities in our simplicity

The unknown in our psychologies

We can be at our top form 

Or at the lowest rung

But when I'm with you

It doesn't matter

I score my urges, desires,

Confusions and insecurities

I open my sails

To the gust of your turbulence

And your truths can't let me down

Your smile was true

Despite losing the light

You taught me how to treat the day

Like an adventure, to laugh in the face of darkness

'Keep your head up,'

You'd imply

'Because there's always someone worse off.'

We're all on equal playing fields

Even if you left us so early

We truly are nothing

Past, present and future

Now the rest of us will do

As we do

To stay alive, like your memory

Without the safety on, of course