IDK
I honestly don’t know what I want to do with my life. I feel empty. Alone. Confused about who I am and who I want to be. Trapped in a standstill. It’s like I’m knee deep in quicksand, and any wrong move will cause me to sink deeper and deeper until there’s no way out. The only place left to go is down.
It’s become too difficult to do even the simplest of things. I can’t breathe. It hurts to move. To think. To speak. To exist. But I don’t want to die. I want to learn how to live. To enjoy life. To love. Both myself, and others, and the world around me. But I don’t know how.
I often wonder what it would be like to disappear. Not so much from this world, but from myself. I want to go somewhere far away, leaving the pessimistic and the desolate voice behind. I just haven’t quite figured what path to take, or if I should just try to pave my own.
Guns Are Not the Problem. It’s the People Behind the Trigger.
Mass shootings are a huge issue. And though semi-automatic firearms and similar weapons may make it easier for these shootings to be carried out, the weapon never pulls its trigger on its own. There is always someone behind the trigger. By "people behind the trigger" I don't mean just the person pointing the gun. I am talking about every single person that has helped to push the assailant to even pick up and point the gun in the first place. There is an underlying cause to this madness that can be traced back to all of our childhoods. There is a flaw in the education system, and there is a problem with how some people were raised or treated growing up. Bullying has always been a major part of childhood and even life in general, although many of us choose to feign ignorance and ignore the fact. But dispite all these campaigns to bring an end to bullying, schools and even parents all too often choose to close their eyes and cover their ears from countless desperate cries for help. Factors such as trauma, intolerance, racism, homophobia, among many other things are all roots connected to the same tree and grown from the same seed. They are forced onto us in our youth and further embedded as we develop. Morality. Love. These compose the seed that should be planted. Unfortunately, many seeds are watered with toxic water full of the world's hate. This hate or lack of morality is the true problem that must be controlled. It is the stem holding up the gun.
Scars Beneath the Surface
My skin is covered in the remnants
of cuts and burns and scratches
Each mark a story of my life
Memories of my growing age
But there are some stories unseen
Deep below the layers of dermis
That have not healed despite the years
Unable to bandage the wounds
That are hidden away far
Beneath the surface of my skin
That help cannot seem to get to
Gone
My head was pounding when you told me not to worry.
"I'm going to beat this," you'd say with confidence.
Although I wasn't so sure. You grew weaker by the day.
Unrecognizable. Quite literally skin and bones.
Though you were a good five inches taller than me,
you weighed about the same, if not less.
I was a small girl roughly 5 foot 3.
Size zero pants from lack of food and stress.
And yet you looked so much smaller.
Malnourished due to disease.
And as I looked at you I was angry.
Why did you have to suffer?
Starving to death when there
was food right in front of you.
We had everything you loved to eat,
but you were unable to do so.
The cancer was killing you.
Breaking you down like
you were already dead.
Decomposing slowly.
Until you were
completely
gone.
You Were a Weird One
When we talked there was a mixture of joy and sorrow in your voice. You were a positive man that had so much love, but you let other's negativities cast a fog over you. You complained regularly about your bosses not paying you on time and my mother who had carved a hole in your heart, taking so much from you but never giving anything back in return. You were a trusting man. Too trusting in fact, that many took advantage of you. And despite such countless instances, you still gave your heart out to care for and comfort others. Yet they always seemed to stab it in the end. You were an odd ball. Your smile as bright as your eyes were sad. Dancing to the same music that tore at your soul, causing you to cry oceans over those who would never shed a single tear over you.
You Never Listened
Immediate Cause: Septic Shock; DIC
Interval Between Onset and Death: 24 hours
Antecedent Cause: Cellulitis
Interval Between Onset and Death: 3 weeks
Underlying Cause: Esophageal Cancer Stage IV
Interval Between Onset and Death: 1 year
I told you to go to the doctor when your feet first started to swell. You wouldn't listen and said it would be fine if we just wrapped them with compression wrap. "The swelling will go down." I insisted it was a problem that needed to be looked at. I didn't know at the time what it was exactly, but it was clearly an issue. You didn't realize that you had a serious bacterial skin infection. And by the time the doctors actually did take a look at them it was too late. The cancer had already been spreading for a while, and the cellulitis had simply sped up the progression. You were a goner by the time it got to your kidneys. The cancer caused them to become unable to properly filter out wastes. The infection had inevitably led to sepsis. And before we knew it your kindeys had failed.
Time of Death: 10:00 p.m.
You Never Listened
Immediate Cause: Septic Shock; DIC
Interval Between Onset and Death: 24 hours
Antecedent Cause: Cellulitis
Interval Between Onset and Death: 3 weeks
Underlying Cause: Esophageal Cancer Stage IV
Interval Between Onset and Death: 1 year
I told you to go to the doctor when your feet first started to swell. You wouldn't listen and said it would be fine if we just wrapped them with compression wrap. "The swelling will go down." I insisted it was a problem that needed to be looked at. I didn't know at the time what it was exactly, but it was clearly an issue. You didn't realize that you had a serious bacterial skin infection. And by the time the doctors actually did take a look at them it was too late. The cancer had already been spreading for a while, and the cellulitis had simply sped up the progression. You were a goner by the time it got to your kidneys. The cancer caused them to become unable to properly filter out wastes. The infection had inevitably led to sepsis. And before we knew it your kidneys had failed.
Time of Death: 10:00 p.m.
2 Years
I haven't heard your voice in two years. Haven't seen your goofy smile. Haven't felt the warmth of your hugs. It feels like yesterday we were in the kitchen cutting up watermelon to help beat the heat of those scorching summer days. You would tell me stories of when I was a child like you were the proudest dad in the world. And I was still your baby girl even though I was basically already an adult. You would often tell me about how much I loved watermelon, even at age two. I would sit on the counter as you scooped up watermelon balls for my restless little self to munch on. However, since you left I have not been able to recall enjoying my favorite summer treat. Not once in these past two years.