A broken little boy

Already knows he's not wanted

That he's alive to feel it

Is for him, a small consolation

And his anger grows

As he grows

And what is the point of trying

To make anything better

Lostness is a hard rubber ball

Bouncing from experience to experience

With no purpose, or plan, or goal

Or hope...that anything matters

That anyone cares

And the broken little boy

Becomes a broken man

With a broken boy heart

Touching lives with his broken man hands

Until he strays into the world of the normal

Where his brokenness is lighted

For all the world to see

For him to see

And for once

Maybe the first time

He is assaulted by the fact

That his world of death is not the only world

Out there

And if he is intellectually fortunate

To take that moment in time to reflect on it

And in the lull of his stupor

He sees the light that was there all along

While we were yet sinners

Christ died for us

In Him is life

And that life is the light for men

In that moment

Choice is born, free will is given

And the government of our lives

Can rest on Christ's shoulders

Come unto Me and I will give you rest

Peace I will give to you

And to all who receive Him, He gives the legal right

To become the children of God

But how will he hear without a preacher

Or a friend

Or a stranger with the capacity to love others

Or him

How?

A broken little boy

Already knows he's not wanted

That he's alive to feel it

Is for him, a small consolation

And his anger grows

As he grows

And what is the point of trying

To make anything better

Lostness is a hard rubber ball

Bouncing from experience to experience

With no purpose, or plan, or goal

Or hope...that anything matters

That anyone cares

And the broken little boy

Becomes a broken man

With a broken boy heart

Touching lives with his broken man hands

Until he strays into the world of the normal

Where his brokenness is lighted

For all the world to see

For him to see

And for once

Maybe the first time

He is assaulted by the fact

That his world of death is not the only world

Out there

And if he is intellectually fortunate

To take that moment in time to reflect on it

And in the lull of his stupor

He sees the light that was there all along

While we were yet sinners

Christ died for us

In Him is life

And that life is the light for men

In that moment

Choice is born, free will is given

And the government of our lives

Can rest on Christ's shoulders

Come unto Me and I will give you rest

Peace I will give to you

And to all who receive Him, He gives the legal right

To become the children of God

But how will he hear without a preacher

Or a friend

Or a stranger with the capacity to love others

Or him

How?

Somehow, this morning, my tongue got loose

It started running around and causing trouble

First, it went after my co-worker

Then, it went after the boss

Before I could hook it and reel it in

It tore up my family and attacked a stranger

It continued its melee until finally I was left

Beaten and penniless lying in an alley

At times like this I wish I had the courage to cut it out

And throw it in the garbage

He took all the money that was comin' his way

He didn't even take the time to explain

He just wanted loose…from all the rules and religion

His old man begged him not to go

"It's ugly out there, I happen to know

Stay here, my son, and we'll make a great life together!”

(BG Singers…Don't go! Don't go! Please son please, please don't go!)

He didn't even turn around or wave goodbye

He left his Daddy standin' there with tears in his eyes

And he went off in his search of a really, really good time

His brother stood back and watched him go

"Good riddance, you fool, you don't even know

What you're doin' here now…is really killin' our dad!"

(BG Singers…You're killin' him boy! You're killin' him boy!

What you're doing to our dad...is really killin' him boy!)

So the boy went off and found his good time

Spent all that he had, every single dime

Woke up one day cold, and lyin’ in an alley

He took to feedin' pigs and eatin' their food

He thought to himself, "This just isn't good

Even my father's servants are doin' better than me!"

(BG Singers…You left it all behind, you left it all behind,

Boy...you left the good life behind!)

"If I throw myself at Daddy's feet

And humble myself and ask him please

Maybe he'll let me come back as one of his servants"

So, he determined to go and seek mercy there

And a long way off, his heart in despair

He looked up to see his father running full speed toward him

(BG Singers…What's he gonna do? What's he gonna do?

After all you've done boy... what's he gonna do?)

His father ran up and fell on his neck

Kissed him and hugged him and finally said

"Son, I am so very happy you're home!

I've been looking for you every day you've been gone

And now you are here, you've been gone for so long

My heart is so full, I can hardly contain how I feel!"

(BG Singers…You found mercy, mercy, mercy,

Oh, boy...you found mercy!)

"Dad, I'm so sorry, I was so very wrong

I'm no longer worthy to be called your son

Please let me come back and work as one of your hired servants"

But his dad called the servants to bring him a robe

He put a ring on his finger and off they strode

Up to the house for a really, really good time

(BG Singers…All is forgiven, forgiven, forgiven,

You hit the jackpot boy, all... is forgiven)

The oldest boy asked a servant, "What's all the noise?"

"Your brother's come home and your dad's full of joy

We killed 'em a calf and they're in there havin' a party!"

The boy asked his dad, "How could ya do such a thing?!

After all that he's done and you're gonna sing?!

Daddy, where oh where, is your good reason?!"

(BG Singers…Whaddaya thinkin'? Whaddaya thinkin'?

Daddy have you lost your mind?!!!)

"You never killed a fattened calf for me

Or threw me a party so my friends could see

If I was ever even important to you!"

"Son, all I have is yours to do as you please

Anytime that you want, but why can't you see

Your brother's come home and we should celebrate…this fine occasion"

(BG Singers…Somebody's jealous, jealous, jealous

Ooooohhhhh...somebody's jealous!)

"So don't be angry and come inside

Your brother was dead but now he's alive!

Your brother was lost, but now he's come…back…home!

I've been lookin' for him every day he's been gone

And now he is here, he's been gone for so long

My heart is so full I can hardly contain how I feel!"

(BG Singers…Where's your compassion boy?

Do you even know how to spell the word?")

"I'm showing him mercy but your heart is stone

Don't ya get it boy, your brother's come home!

Your brother has come back from the dead!

All is forgiven, everything that he's done

The same as for you, my faithful son

Now come, let's celebrate...this fine occasion”

(BG Singers…Let's celebraaaate...this fine occasion)

He was angry at God

Seething

God had failed him in his darkest hour

He didn’t help him

He didn’t save him

He wouldn’t even talk to him

Nothing

No God

He was nowhere to be found

And the disaster was insurmountable

For years now, he had written in notebooks and journals of God’s love for him, God’s hopes for him, and God’s willingness to help him. Finally, in the midst of his own personal tsunami, God goes on a lunch break. Thanks a lot, God! This was nothing short of betrayal.

In his anger, he gathered all of his writings and every Bible he could find and took them outside and threw them into the fire with the garbage. He was done with God. If God had a problem with that, then He could kill him and he would talk to Him face to face, and that would be just fine.

He started his life over. He was going to have his own rebirth, this time, without God. He moved to a new town, found a new job, and got a hobby instead of finding a church. He kept his distance from people and avoided making friends. He sought no occasion for his flesh, to indulge himself, for he knew too well the trouble that would bring and he had enough trouble without it.

The sin he was willing to bear, was not loving God. He stopped talking to God. No more morning prayer. No more broken hearted weeping over broken hearted souls and absolutely no more singing the songs of worship and praise. Nothing beyond himself. God was big enough; let him worry about the rest of the world. It was His problem anyway.

He avoided both the God bashers and the God lovers. He avoided those who used the name of God in their speech, or any reference to His Son. He wanted nothing to do with the name of God, whether good or bad.

Over time his heart grew cold toward other people. He could walk by the homeless or the hungry, the poor or the needy, the diseased or the infirmed, without even a twinge for them. He kept a low profile and minded his own business. He was simply waiting to die and have his day.

Finally, he was old.

Eventually, He attracted the notice of a young and eager lover of God. One of those set upon the world by a local church, filled with other lovers of God. They had at some point decided their mission in life, more specifically, in that community was to spread God’s love through smiles and toil. Each young evangelist was always on heightened alert for the flat eyes of a dead soul.

Somehow, quite by accident, their paths crossed and their eyes met. They were locked together for what seemed forever. The young man’s face went strangely somber and he said without really thinking,”What happened to you?”

As quickly as the words were out, the old man turned and walked away. His new tormenter was not deterred and he moved quickly and caught him by the arm. “Please sir, tell me! I sense in my spirit something terrible happened to you. I must know!”

“Leave me alone!” the old man hissed and he wrenched loose and went on. The young man followed at a distance, waiting for another opportunity. He quickly decided he had stumbled onto something big and vowed to God to pray for this man until the matter was concluded, whatever that meant. His opportunity never came. The old man managed to avoid the young evangelist so well, that he never saw his face again.

In the end, the old man died. So complete was his self imposed isolation, that when he caught pneumonia and holed up in his apartment and died, no one knew. Eventually, the young man heard and stopped praying for him. He continued trying to love the world, however, with his smiling and his toiling.

The old man went to have his talk with God and what God had to say to him was behind closed doors. What the old man had to say to God he had said publicly, with the remainder of his life.

The great trial he had experienced was given by God as a gift, an opportunity to learn and grow. To get closer to God whose ways are higher than our ways, who walks on water, and calls the stars by name. To know this God deeply is only accomplished through trial.

Each trial of greater difficulty takes away a little more of our ability to be self reliant. Only as we come to the end of ourselves are we inclined to come to Him. Coming to God and knowing God personally, is what faith is all about. The development of our faith is God’s highest goal for us and trial is a primary training tool.

The old man had separated himself from the love of God, which God pours into His children so they are able to reach out to the world that doesn’t know Him or care that He loves them. He had disconnected from his Source. The old man dried up. No love in, no love out. He became like the rest of the world, useless to God. The sin he was willing to bear finally killed him.

The old man got angry because his loss was so great, which was a natural response. But faith calls us to a supernatural response, to draw closer to our supernatural God, and the old man refused. He refused to see past his pain to his place, the place of a servant, a servant of God. Even as a lamb for God to slaughter if He so chooses.

The old man threw away his opportunity to come a step closer to understanding what it means to love the Lord our God with all our heart, and all our mind, and all our strength, and to know Him as He is…and not as we want Him to be.

Fuzzball hasn’t gone to Dog Heaven yet

But he’s not far away

Can hardly see

Can hardly hear

And the good food I put him on

Which he ravenously enjoys

Hasn’t made him one ounce thinner

I suppose that’s my fault

Anyway, to overcome the effects

Of the good food

We go for walks

Like we did long ago

Now, however

I have to watch him very closely

The delicious aroma of a dumpster

Or a juicy pile of squirrel scat

Can distract him from following me

If I’m engrossed in my own sightseeing

Or otherwise not paying attention

Distance comes between us

Like a thing

If I lose sight of him

I have to backtrack until I find him

It’s pointless to call him

Since he can’t hear me

Eventually I’ll spot him

Still engrossed in his pursuit

Or…looking for me

If I stand still

He can’t see me

He can only see me when I move

But he can smell me

He knows I’m somewhere close

Sometimes

I’ll just watch him for a moment

He’ll walk about, stop

Sniff the air and look around

His ears perked up

Tail high

Everything on full alert

The longer I wait to reveal myself

The more anxious he becomes

The quicker he walks

The farther he goes

In a growing frantic to find me

I can almost hear him crying out

“Daddy, where are you?!”

Sooner than later

I’ll go scoop him up

And I can feel him relax in my arms

Dear God

Make me as blind as my dog

So I can’t move without you

So I feel lost when I can’t see you

So I am completely dependent on you

I know in my heart

That is the safest place I could ever be

When do we let go of a bad investment

Those slimy, scaly, useless, broken people

Into whom we pour ourselves

Our hearts and our resources

And so often even our families

Hoping for that miraculous turn around

One year?

Two years?

Year after year

Rebellion swallows them alive

Tears them to pieces

Leaving them gutted of all value

When do we let go

The scriptures say of the Lord’s servant

Among other things

“…A bruised reed He will not break…” (Isaiah 42:3)

And we are all bruised reeds

God will never let go

God will never give up

Because He is invested in us

Completely

Paying with His own Son

To buy us for Himself

To do His work

His way

The answer for us then

Who claim to serve God…

Never

We shall never give up

And He will renew our strength

When we have had enough of them

And His faithfulness is renewed to us every morning

When He has so often had enough..of us

The longer you are consumed with you

The less likely I will be concerned with you

I'm weary of being needed

To simply feed your abusive bent

You are a pretty flower

Whose heart is full of thorns

It's beginning to look like I hate myself

Three or four wives ago

I had grandeur on my mind

Fine house, fine cars, and a flock of kids

The blissful life was mine

Two or three wives ago

I had stability on my mind

My kids, her kids, a simple home

Her two jobs and mine

One or two wives ago

I had survival on my mind

Her kids were grown and almost gone

I never talk to mine

My last wife left me penniless

I almost lost my mind

I’m hoping someone will take me in

It won’t be one of mine

After my father’s funeral

Friends and family gathered at his modest home on the bay

He had lived there over forty years

I placed his urn on the lowest step of the dock

So, those who wished to, could say a final goodbye

I went first, and using Daddy’s favorite coffee cup, I scooped up a mug of him

And poured him over the place we had put my mother a few years before

Several others took their turn

And then it was my cousin John’s turn

He reached into the urn and captured my father’s heart in his hand

As the ashes spilled slowly through his fingers, the breeze carried them gently to the water below

He was likely remembering every laugh, and joke, and every drink that they had ever shared

Up until that moment

I never realized how close they were