Everyday is a rerun. All my mistakes replaying in my mind. The opportunities missed. The words unsaid. Over and over they torture me with my failure. If only I had said the right thing, done the right thing, been in the right place at the right time. Now I'm here, watching other people live the life and love I dreamed of. It mocks me as it passes me on the street, indifferent to the pain it's causing. I've tried everything humanly possible to recover, but everytime I make a move for it, I'm knocked back even further than I was before. I can't take it anymore. I just need the pain to stop. I need this to end. It's too dark for them to see me, and they are going so fast, they won't notice until it's too late. That truck will be the end of this lonely walk. The tears continue to flow as I step out.

I’ve found an anchor in a sound

While my world was spinning wildly out of control

And I was being tossed about by the waves of despair

A sound reached out and pulled me from the edge

It is slowly dragging me back to the shore of stability

The pain is still clamoring in my heart

But the sound is persistent

It’s not letting me go

The sun is rising with no regard for my pain or loss

People are still moving forward in their day to day lives

While my world is disintigrating

I keep reaching up hoping for a hand to reach back

And pull me from the rubble of my razed expectations

But the reach is painful

And I can't hold out for long periods

Waiting for that hand to draw me out

So I sink back in

Watching the world pass by

So disrespectful

He did a double take when he saw me and changed direction. His lips curved into a half smile as he looked at me with hooded eyes. He reached out to me for a side hug and I did the same. His strong hand moved from my back to my neck, massaging as he pulled me in close. Foreheads and noses touched as I closed my eyes. Our breaths mingled and time stood still as people continued to pass by. Electricity vibrated through my body as our souls intertwined in the space between our lips.

In a moment of time everything stops

And the only constant is the fiery pain crackling through your heart

There is no sound, not even a ripple to indicate the iminent death that is upon you

You can't speak, can't breath

There is noone around to help

Just you, faced with the infinite oblivion that is staring you in the face

Your heart has split and in turn, has split apart your world

Famine, flood, drought and disaster all come pouring in

Giving no hope for any life to remain

I loved her strenth and despised her weakness

I praised her mind but disdained her goals

I never thought beyond me when it came to my mom

And now she is gone

So quickly and without a chance to explore further

She’s gone

Is there heaven or hell

Is there purgatory

Is there an abyss of space that supsends the ideas of everyone who crosses over

Waiting in stasis for someone else to catch up and reconnect

What is there but the nothingness that consumes me

I wanted something to happen, not because that person was evil or did me wrong, but because their failure may give me a chance for what I want.

It's terrible, I know. And it wouldn't even guarantee my success; more like add landmines for me to navigate and a higher chance of blowing myself up.

I just wish for better for myself. For once, I want things to work out in my favor. For once, I would like to not get the fuzzy end. I try so hard to do the right thing, say the right thing, be the right thing. And I go along thinking that I am doing well until something smacks me in the face and says, "You ain't sh**t!"

Now I'm left to look on from the sidelines with this overwhelming hole in my chest reminding me that I'm not worth it.

That was supposed to be my joy! That was supposed to be my blessing, my little miracle!

The missed opportunity weighs on me heavily and leaves me trying to create another one. But it's not opportunity if you have to create it. It's manipulation. And it's not the same because it comes with a shadow that will cover the very thing you obtained from it.

So, I'm left hoping that something goes wrong for someone else, at least for a second, before I come back to my senses.

It's hard to walk away when you have become so vested. I said that I would and that I could before all of this. But my hear is just aching. Regret from being so timid and not speaking up is filling my chest, and I feel like I'm going to explode with every breath.

I make a commitment to myself to cut it off and to not look back. But in the next breath I'm trying to find a compromise so that I don't have to let go. There's noone to talk to, noone to give advice or hold me down to keep me from self-destruction.

I can't go back and change the past, but I can't seem to look away from it either. I retrace every word and every step and my heart breaks each and every time.

So what happens next? Where do I go from here and how will it all pan out? I'm anxious for the net step but have no idea what it is.