You never know when there will be a moment that changes your life forever. If we did, we would probably try our best to avoid those few moments.

I stayed up way too late last night, binging a TV show. I needed a caffeine boost to help wake myself up.

All I wanted was a simple cup of coffee and then, the sky fell.

The explosion was deafening. Brick and mortar rained down from above. The shockwave was enough to knock me off my feet as I tried to cover my head.

When I woke up in the hospital, I was told that the explosion was from the top of the apartment building. There had been a gas leak.

I looked down to the space my leg should be occupying, but was flat. A chunk of wall had crushed my calf beyond possible repair.

I only had wanted some coffee.

The smoke from my lips rush into the air, billowing around my head. My lung hurt from years of abuse. I cough, I hack, as they try to dispel of the mucus that collects in my lungs. Another drag, knowing the cigarette between my lips do little good for my body.

I argue that it brings me peace, helping me to relax from the nicotine running through my blood.

I tell others that I'll quit when I'm less stressed. I know. I know the lie isn't really a lie because life is always stressful.

There will never be a time when I'm 'less stressed'.

And I know that.

I know that I'm wasting money. Money that could be put so many more beneficial options.

Almost anything is more beneficial.

I know.

Anything that anyone tells me to persuade me to quit.

I know.

But the dopamine. The habit. The small break in the monotone of whatever I'm doing in the moment...

And it isn't like I never tried.

I tried

I tried.

But every time I try, I never fully stop.

I break down and buy a pack, just for one. One to curb the cravings and ease the headache that just will not go away.

Now I have a pack. I cannot waste the money spent, so it will be my last pack then.

And if I'm with friends and they're smoking, it's almost rude not to join, so maybe I can bum just one. Or two. Definitely no more than three!

Did you know that your lungs ache and spasm after a few hours of not smoking. It's similar to when I do.

I failed at quitting, so I quit try and go back to my lies that aren't really lies.

I'll try again. again. and again. But I will quit. When everything is less stressed.