When I was a kid I saw a certain future

It wasn't in some classroom figuring out how to do a suture

Nah, it was up on a stage

My ma wanted a doctor and my dad didn't care about anything except turning a page

With a people pleasing poet who wanted nothing more than to rage

I had a few set backs, giving account for my tender age

It wasn't my fault for thing I could not control

It was my fault through for not getting my own ball to roll

Nothing special as a rapper with a father not around

But I got dreams and hopes, all sorts of things abound

There ain't nothin but sleepless nights and empty words sometimes

Though, I got that spirit and when it comes out in my fuckin rhymes

I can't stop flowing, for I'm often showing my old self up

Gotta keep this up, or not even try an show up

Or else I'm just a good for nothing

Who only ever did amount to nothing

With nothing to prove and nothing to lose, I got only what I say

And I gotta make that count

Cause if it means nothing and I have nothing to recount

To my children

My offspring and a person I adore

If it alls adds up to nothing, then what should I even write for

Lonliness is a sickness that gnaws at your insides. It sinks into your skin and muscles, cutting to the bone. Dreary darkness consuming you and working at the very fabric of your self. It makes you doubt your worth. Whether your worthy of love, happiness, life. I hoped and prayed to things I didn't believe in as my circle got more and more superficial. There was always a sensation that I was a more private person, but insults would be sent my way. I was a creep, a weirdo, someone who was inherently dangerous due to nothing I had done. Maybe they could feel my unhappiness and wanted to avoid it like the plague. My self-worth was at a low and I wasn't good enough. There was no future for me. Everything I had ever done was worthless and I was never going to be enough for anyone. Not for my friends and family. Not for the people I cared about. I wanted to stop suffering. I wanted to die. It stayed with me throughout all of my thoughts like my own dark passenger. Constantly there and whispering the terrible things.

"Everyone would be better off with me gone."

"I should do it now, while my brother is still young enough to no feel the grief from my death."

"My father deserves to feel how he failed me."

"I'm a coward for not actually killing myself."

I would spend nights staring at the cabinets of pills and the razors in the drawers of the bathroom under the sink. It drove me to have breakdowns as I tried to will myself to cutting. I couldn't do it. I was a coward for not making myself feel the pain that I should be feeling. I should have felt worse, I deserved to suffer more. That was what I deserved back then. That's what I thought at least. It isn't that way as much anymore. I can bare to look in the mirror again, I have depth in my friendships. There is hope in the future, plans, goals and things to reach for. I'm not stuck in a pit with no escape. I'm climbing the stair, even if it isn't a crystal one. I am going to keep going.

The deep and endless blue, flooding the senses.

It is seemingly bottomless, looking out on it and feeling the calm and serene. A salty breeze and blue extending for miles upon miles. It is just so romantic.

Life underneath the surface, thiving for millenia as no one dares to search further into the depths of this peaceful ocean.

Engrossing you and holding your mind. your imagination as the current drags you under and to the deep. Touching the bottom of the ocean and look up to the sun barely peeking through the seas above you.

I was seated, resting during my lunch. Pulled pork sandwich with lots of spicy barbeque sauce. Working at a deli had its perks, plus it was really good meat. A pickle on the side. Crunch! Salty vinegar taste and then a sip from my soda to wash it down. Afterwards, I wash my hands and get back to work. It was nice job, I could make a life in this town. It’s beautiful out here.

No one can escape their demise, no matter how hard they may try.

The cold air made it feel like a stabbing pain as I breathed in and out.

“It was just so bright here.” I whispered to myself, sounding faint in this cold place.

It was torturous. I heard a hiss behind me, creaking and jingling. The beast wanted to devour me and I knew that I couldn’t run fast enough to get away, no matter how hard I tried. It all felt rather dooming.

Then I jolted awake with a start, lifting my head from the counter. The store was empty and the lights dangling from the ceiling swayed. It was good that I hadn’t been caught sleeping on the job.

Slow time of day in a, sort of, slow town. I’m not sure how much excitement I was expecting with this job, the way the economy was around here. Normal clientele were older folks who’d been coming here for years. Though, there never seemed to be anyone new who came in more than once. Older folks were used to the way things were around here and the young ones figured it out soon enough.

There was always something to be done though. The delivery truck was here. I was supposed to help unload boxes from the refrigerated truck to help Chuck, my boss, since he isn’t as spry as he used to be. It was about as exciting working here as it was working at a morgue.

He always let me eat lunch here for free though and he wasn’t a bad conversationalist when you caught him in the right mood. I always helped haul boxes over to the hand truck, unafraid of some extra muscle, might impress a lady. Though, the only ladies that came by this shop were in their seventies.

I go to the back, near the freezer where Chuck’s office is, a corkboard with flyers haphazardly pinned to it and the freezer door. It was cracked open slightly.

Better fix that.

I wasn’t really allowed back there, so I went to close the door. It didn’t close, so I opened it a little further to slam it. Bodies. Further in I go.

A sigh comes from behind me, before I turn though. I feel something hard slam into the back of my head. Crunch. My vision swam and the bright, cold room become dark and I feel warm once again, almost like a dream. Disappointing.