Beautiful and fragile

You have very little strength

Yet you keep on striving for perfection

You continuously ache for the slightest human touch

The slightest hint that you may be wanted in this world

Just like you fight for oxygen, you fight for freedom in your own war

And though you want to

There is no way to pause your internal battles

Just like you cannot pause your breath

Though you wish to stop feeding the life that grows miserable inside of you

Though you try hard to power through

I know you sometimes catch yourself closing your eyes

Holding your breath

And ignoring the fact that you want to feel loved

You try to ignore it

To make it go away

But you can’t

Your heart yearns for the attention and your body can’t keep up

Just as you want to not feel anything at all

You realize that it is not a choice

No matter how hard you try to hold your breath

And refuse to be moved by the yearning for love that you withhold

Something from within still fights for an extra couple seconds of life

Even though that isn’t what you want

You are fragile

You are beautiful

You are hurt

Every breath is a risk of your own sanity

And that is when you are done letting your conscience take over

You just want to feel loved

Never-mind that

You just want to feel something

Anything at all

And that is when you finally resort to the pain

You think to yourself that it is easier this way

It is easier to feel something rather than nothing

Now it has become second nature for you

You don’t even have to think about what is bothering you before you reach for the blade

Your family seems to notice

But they refuse to care

But from across the lunch room

A simple girl sees that you are upset

You may not want her to

But she knows you better than you know yourself

She doesn’t know why your upset this time

But she knows you want to feel loved

And she knows that all your really feeling is pain

She looks at you and begins to ache with a sadness inside

For she loves you more than you know

And your pain makes her feel useless

As if she has failed her job as your friend

She wants you to know that you are loved

Or at least that she cares about you when others may not

She knows how it feels to lay awake at night

To cry in the dark because your afraid to wake up to the hell that society calls life

She knows how it feels to want to die

As if your drowning and there is no drain

She knows how it feels to be trapped in what seems like a never ending tunnel

Yes

She knows how that feels

And the only way she knows how to show you this

Is to write it

Write out every painful word until it’s all done

And then after words she reads it to make sure it is enough

To make sure you will be astonished

And to make sure that you feel as though someone finally understands what being alone feels like.

Don’t worry.. I feel alone too

I sat for so long just staring at this blank screen

Looking for the perfect spot to start my voicing

I racked my brain and thought of all the times

That my heart wanted to be weak

While I was forcing by myself to be strong

I used to stand tall and proud

Of everything I was

Until I started to focus on what I wasn’t

Each time I got more bumps and bruises

I used the medication of silence

The girl who once stood tall and beautiful

She became two inches shorter

With each negative thought

She made herself slump to the heights of her own expectations

Because she was afraid of all of the excuses

She was afraid of being everything she was

Her stars shone in beautiful colors of red and blue and purple and green

That were hidden for only her deepest fears to reveal

Her colors were changed to black and blue

She killed herself with her own words

Because she was blinded by her own opinion of what a girl should be

One day she walked alone in the dark

Waiting for something to change for the better

It began to rain and she began to cry

Her tears mixed in with the simplicity of the earth

She fell to her knees and prayed for someone to come and save her

She prayed for a shoulder to cry on

For once

For once she wanted to rely on something other than the silence

And with that she gave up

She kissed her own hand and dried her eyes with clumps of her own hair

She didn’t want to be her own alli anymore

She didn’t want to be anything

From birth I was destined with an intertwining love of the world

Clutching to every breath that I ever thought of holding in my lungs

I had no choice of who I was made to be

I was stuck with myself and that used to be fine

Now I’m falling in an ongoing inertia of sadness

As I love one with long hair and tender hands

I should have been different

I should have avoided all of the heartache that has come to me

If only I was someone new

I would have an acceptable urge

I would love the right way

That would be enough.