The change

symbolized here by vertical line drawn in the center of a blank page

looking to the left side of the page previously divided in half

a single word: hope

directly on the line itself

this is where i will write the words i choose to tell my story

my story

the revelations compartmentalized

part I and part II

Respectively --

three options laid before me

the rules were as follows:

choice #1, or

choice #2,

but not both

my decision was made

startled by own choice

what followed arrived quickly

simultaneous perhaps

freedom

Four specific letters

forming the markings of the vertical line itself

written towards the end of the end

yet equally as critical

a different set of letters

also four

also specific

my life forever changed

this change - an earthquake

the catalyst found in the center of the page, standing vertically

i drew the fault line with my own hand

i feel a certain 8 letters every day still

often intensely

but despite these aftershocks

the ground on which im standing is different

ive written down a new set of letters

four

again

but all different --

your set of letters.

My arrival was scheduled for 4 am

The catalyst was a combination

Allowing myself to indulge in my favorite pleasures 

They kept their promise

Killing me

Saving me

only

Simultaneously

or in that order

Of my heart I was proud

Loyal + kind

Unwavering for the duration of my earthly seconds

Confidence flowed

Naturally

intimidation followed

My feet moving slow

And easy

But the music was too excited

Rushing past the entrance

Embracing me

Grabbing my hand and pulling

Running now

My eyes wanted to experience

What my ears had felt

The first pang of hunger

That would lack satisfaction

For all of eternity

I saw pampas grass and butcher block counter tops

Allman brothers records, 

NYT magazines.

Brick walls - one red

Original hardwood - the dog; the universe

Writing; painting; dancing

Hopefully yours one day, too

But for now — one long flat surface

In your favorite shade of blue.

Atop, inter alia, a formal setting + vuevle cliquot

Peonies, half an eighth ball

Open drawer number 3

Wisteria brushes the wicks of the candles

My hand does the same to your cock

Meanwhile I’m thinking of nothing but the river

And some pinot noir I hid behind your dock

My brain can’t escape Big Sur

Nor the things that we promised to create

I dream of shows and drugs and growth

Books + laughter

On earth, all known as pleasures

Indulgences not necessary of denying to oneself

But now they were spirits

Their combination, a cocktail

Thirsty

hungry

Satisfaction beyond reach

To be drunk on you was necessary to survive

Even beyond death

Eons have passed

Eternity lies ahead

Learning now 

intoxicants do not exist in the vastness of hell

For now

For eternity

Craving and hungry

taking form in their most desperate intensities  

you’re not coming.

chaotic. Eerie. monumental. Historical. Devastating. 

Empty and exhausted

These words

Their availability, so convenient 

Like store bought ingredients for small talk

Wanting. saddened. Confused. hopeless. misunderstood.

Stripped down to our core

Primal fears most thought to be extinct

now somehow present

These words

How has more not changed?

Humanity. Love. compassion. Truth. Courage.

Absent from the dialogue

Tools and myths

These words

But also

Empty and exhausted

Their availability so convenient

I long to see change