The key gets stuck and the door won't open.

With a sigh I pull it out and start over again.

I jiggle and firmly yet gently turn with one smooth motion.

The lock is released; "Thank you God, and amen

The clock tells me it's late,

the apartment is to quiet.

He is gone now, I have met my fate.

He warned me firmly but without any riot.

I talked all day on the phone at work.

Exhausted is a word in which there is no cure.

I stand with my back to the door

praying for a way to help me endure.

My tears fall quietly as I stumble to the chair,

the one in by my little table with a typewriter

positioned in front of the window where

I can see the city lights twinkly and brighter.

Unbidden my fingers are positioned on the keyboard.

I wait for the quiet to stop the chatter within.

I must write something joyous or I will fall overboard.

The desperation inside won't let me begin.

I look to the heavenlies housed securely in my mind

and whisper a prayer to My Heavenly Father.

I know if I wait, and am patient, at just the right time

His thoughts will fill mine and they will take me farther.

The first word to break up the white of the paper

is small but the meaning is evident.

Help! This word came out of a violent storm

of emotions bursting out of my soul with inelegance.

For the next hour I poured out my heart,

my words were sometimes jumbled and unclear.

With each word that came I realized with a start

how much of my turmoil began to disappear.

At the end of the time with my soul

I realized and identified the hopelessness

was there because I felt I had no control

over life or how futile it sometimes seems to us.

But a gentle tender Spirit overcame the despair

and reminded me that I am never alone.

There is someone who is with me and He cares

Jesus is with me forever until my time here is done.

This poem is in my book of poetry, and I added another section to it. I had an editor tell me she felt like it was not finished.

the reality of our days

days are gone

nights are long

children cry

mothers sigh

fathers don’t speak

away they sneak

sun shines bright

then it is night

people walk fast

to escape their past

lost souls all around

make their desperate sounds

the birds fly away

flowers no longer sway

the oceans comforting sound departs

the proud forests have lost their heart

all around there is destruction

teachers teach without instructions

restaurants close and refuse to serve

there is no more beauty to observe

the world is hopeless and obscure

what do we do, who has the cure?

then the tears of heaven drop

on barren fields devoid of crops

the moisture quenches the earths thirst

setting the stage to reverse the curse

the night again becomes day

instead of crying the children play

mothers’ sighs turn into song

fathers return before too long

birds come back to roost again

it does not matter from where or when

people stop and embrace each other

laugh and talk with one another

God’s people never lost their hope

the faith they had helped them cope

when the world stopped and admitted defeat

they turned to God to become complete

The day was clear, and the sun bright. There was a breeze that belied the picturesque illusion. Death is inevitable. No one escapes. Some deaths are easier to take than others. The funeral was my great-grandmother's funeral. I was six. I don’t remember much, but there is a picture where our family posed in front of cars. I am unsure where we are because I do not recognize the scene. If it were my grandmother’s house, there would be an incline, and we could not be as near the street as we are.

Regardless, as far as funerals go, this one was not the saddest in the world because Grandma Parker lived a long life and loved the Lord. She always had the Bible in her lap. The only picture I remember seeing was her in her chair with the large Bible.

In the photo from the funeral are Mom and Dad; I don’t know how old they were, but since Mom was seventeen when my brother was born, then eighteen months later, me, then my sister eighteen months after that, and my little brother eighteen months after her, let's see, that is four eighteen months so four times eighteen is (math majors? Answer please). That is about six years. My older brother was close to eight then, so mom was in her mid-twenties, and dad was in his late twenties.

As I said earlier, some funerals are not as heart-wrenching as others. My family did not realize at the time we would face a different kind of funeral. A few months later, on another clear sunny day, when the breeze was not so cutting, my family faced another death. We were all the same age, or perhaps my older brother and my sister may have had a birthday in between the two funerals.

This death was tragic, unexpected, and unnecessary,

and changed the trajectory of an entire family.

God, you made me and created me the way I am

for the purpose of living as well as I can.

I have lived my life through all the ups and downs.

There have been some smiles but mostly frowns.

Even when my face had a smile,

the frown in my soul did not subside.

I have had so many successes in my life

only because You are there in my strife.

But somehow, I cannot justify

being content with what I have.

Even now, when things seem so good,

I have a place to live, better than I should.

I have no bills for the first time, I might say,

because you provided me with the means to pay.

I am enrolled in a school that costs a lot,

but the first semester, I had no out-of-pocket costs.

Scholarships and grants paid for my three classes

and so far, my grades are my greatest assets.

So why do I feel like a change is coming?

Are things too good so I feel like running?

Is that really what it is about, Lord?

You tell us to stand firm in every chapter of Your Word.

Just like on that day when one death occurred.

We had no idea in just a few days, life would be hard.

The hardness of the death of my brother that day

a family could not rise above sadness in any way.

When good times were experienced for the rest of our years,

there was always a cloud hanging around to lament the cheer.

No one spoke to each other about the turmoil

such a death caused; we just lived with the chill.

God, you never promised life would be gentle and kind.

I know all your promises in my mind.

Even though the way we travel is hard,

You have always provided a way for us to survive.

An overcomer, a survivor, amazing, I have been called

but we know, You and I, it is only because

of your love, I could never walk this life of mine alone

and come out with anything of my own.

This month, I learned what irritation sometimes means.

That there is a change coming that cannot be seen.

A premonition you allow to prepare our souls

to be able to handle it, caused by surprise or woe.

It is time for me to get out of my head,

and take the steps I need to instead.

As I approach the future, which will soon become.

the present, it can either bring joy or perhaps more glum.

days are gone

nights are long

children cry

mothers sigh

fathers don’t speak

away they sneak

sun shines bright

then it is night

people walk fast

to escape their past

lost souls all around

make their desperate sounds

the birds fly away

flowers no longer sway

the oceans comforting sound departs

the proud forests have lost their heart

all around there is destruction

teachers teach without instructions

restaurants close and refuse to serve

there is no more beauty to observe

the world is hopeless and obscure

what do we do, who has the cure?

We rang in 2020, of the new year

with lots of laughter good times and cheer.

It did not take long for everyone to see

we should have started this year differently.

Chaos is a common state for our world,

But it gets out of control with each spoken word.

Don’t’ go out in public or hug each other.

Close all schools and businesses said the government.

Do not gather together and we will get through this.

But after many days passed, we began to ask what if …

our isolation only caused this crisis to double

The aloneness triggered more depression and trouble.

Irritability increased, impatience and intolerance.

Then suddenly the virus was replaced by violence.

Rage and hatred have taken over our land,

and certainly, everything has gotten out of hand.

Was there a better way to keep everyone safe?

Could we have continued to live but learned to replace

thoughtless care for sanitation and spreading the germs

which has been proven to protect us from all the harm?

We were taught as children by our parents early on,

wash your hands thoroughly, let the dirt be gone.

Cover your mouth completely when you cough and sneeze,

Oh, and keep your hands away from your face if you please.

Stay home and away from others if you are sick.

If you get worse, go to the doctor really quick.

Do not carry your illness to parties or work,

take care of yourself, we were taught how since birth.

Be aware of your neighbors and if someone is in need,

do what you can to help them succeed.

You can honor them with thoughtful words, clothing, or food,

Give from your many blessings to those who have few.

Our isolation has turned many of us to destruction

as we wallow in despair and dwell on frustration.

Kindness disappeared when we stayed in our homes

thinking we had to survive all of this on our own.

Our graduating seniors have suffered a lot

They could not celebrate the twelve years they were taught.

They were not able to gather together as a class

or dream about how their future would pass.

After all this despair is there any more hope?

What is out there for us to help us cope?

Who is capable of spreading a little cheer,

to us and to those we love and hold dear?

The answer is as old as God’s creation.

He had the power to create us and he can stop the destruction.

He does it, not with fanfare of trumpets and noise.

He quietly and powerfully uses His church to spread joy.

The church did not take a vacation from life.

Instead they invented new ways to shine God’s light.

They flooded their congregations with lots of encouragement,

and reminded us, underneath we are not all that different.

All of us require contact and connection to each other,

our family our friends our sisters and brothers.

We cannot ignore our need for interactions 

if we do, the results are hatred and frustrations.

God does not want us to isolate from our life.

He wants us to spread His goodness and light

to a lost world living in all this chaos.

He reminds us to replace with joy, what we lost.

Thank you to the many health professionals,

who tirelessly gave of themselves with no hesitation.

To all the peacekeepers who came out in force

and the good people who continued the course.

Remember this, in the end of everything,

God is in control and His will is to redeem

those who believe His words and accept

His salvation, and His love that will not quit.

So, in summation we have a choice 

in the actions we take. Will we cry or rejoice?

I choose to not allow the bad news we hear

defeat me, but with God’s help, I will spread Cheer. 

I woke today, I hate me.

I see nothing in my life but need.

There’s so much despicable loathing inside,

I want to run, but there’s nowhere to hide.

The only answer I can find

Is to separate and leave me behind.

The minute I detach from me,

I know immediately, I’m not free.

Despair brings nothing but emptiness, that’s true,

and the chaos surrounding me isn’t new.

My feelings are buried way deep down,

my soul has become numb and my ears hear no sound.

No matter how fast or far I run

I cannot escape dark because there is no sun.

The answers I seek are all gone.

There isn’t anything left but a despondent song.

In one last act of desperation,

I scream in agony at the deprivation

and the torturous life that’s been my curse.

It’s the same song, just another verse.

I strike at the darkness, suffocating and dense,

thinking all along it makes no sense.

I know there’s a God who dwells high above

the hatred with a desire to spread His love.

This God is all-powerful and wise,

To see such distress comes as a surprise.

He can wipe out all this evil and hatred

without exerting even, a single breath.

With one imperceptible wave of His hand

He can remove the misery from this land.

So, if that is the truth, and I know it is,

why does He wait? The answer is His.

The longer He tarry’s the worse people get,

and the worse it gets, the more tired I am, yet

sleep is an issue; no not sleep. It’s rest.

I lay down in slumber but wake in jest.

Once again, I drag my bone-weary self

out of the comfort of bed and delve

into another cold, dark, dreary day

with nothing but sorrowful words to say.

The agony of life will continue on

until the time the world is gone.

Or maybe not the world at all,

But for me alone my God will call.

When that day comes one way or the other

The answers I’ve sought so hard to discover

will be discarded so far away

because it’s the dawning of a new and better day!

#Aspire2Accept

#Networkingwiththeauthors

@wabisabi.

I want so much but I’m limited by my inhibitions, fear and finances. Perfect love casts out all fear. How do I calm my desires? How do I separate my needs from my wants? How do I quiet the voice of the enemy? No. I don’t want to quiet the voice, I want to stop the voice of the enemy. His voice is a proponent of dissatisfaction

Perfect Love casts out all fear. God is perfect. His Love is perfect. With God’s love comes peace. I must let go of the small insignificant troubles of life and hang on to perfect love. I will have peace and not fear.

Again, this morning anxiousness creeps in.

But I don’t look for a secret hidden sin,

to explain the onset of my trepidation.

I know without any hesitation,

My god is greater than the enemy of the world.

I’ve read it many times from Gods own word

I stop a moment and take a deep breath

to breathe out the uneasiness that’s crept

into my spirit during the night

when I was tucked in my bed tight.

I’ve not discovered the hidden secret

to block the enemy from his nightly creep

in order to plant the seeds of restlessness

to spread a crippling darkness.

I’d like to wake one early morning

without the need to take a moment

to summon and focus all my energies

to seek the perfect remedy

for waking with this anxiousness within.

I want to wake with joy again.

You Have No Power!

The blueness of today

has gotten in the way

of living out my life

free from all the strife.

I didn’t know where to go

or who could help me know

how to ignore the despair

and forcefully and loudly declare

flee from me right now

you enemy, you have no power!

You cannot hope to compete,

my Fathers love is complete.

You no longer have a voice

to suggest or promote my choice.

I’m free from my defeatist stronghold!

Now, that you’ve been told,

I’ll turn and walk away

into a brighter day.

Dear Dipshit Depression,

We have been together for a long time. I can’t tell you how long because I’m not sure when you first arrived. I remember when you came to stay, but you had been hanging around the perimeter of my life since my first memories. I managed to ignore you until the day you moved in when I was eleven. The reason you were able to move in at that time is simply that I chose to leave my home. I only meant it to be temporary and tried coming back home a few times, but you completely filled up my house with your stuff I was never comfortable again. I lived with you at my house until your things became my stuff. I was forced to remove everything I collected and only have vague memories of a few of my most prized possession. Those I hid in a tiny hidden closet, so you were never able to destroy them. I would go to my wardrobe from time to time looking for “the me” you thought you shattered. I left my closet with just enough strength to survive your abuse, but I was never able to stand up to you.

You wanted my life so desperately, and there were a couple of times I almost handed me to you. Among my prized possessions was a formidable little slight of a person named Survivor. She never entirely defeated you, but she was strong enough to drag me away at the last minute. I would leave home again so I could be safe from your violence. Each time I fled Survivor found safe places for me to hide and regain my strength. The years of working with Survivor have been many and challenging. My tiny closet became filled with more prized possessions until one day, I could not fit in another item.

I noticed you became complacent to the point you ignored me. The only time you became aware of my presence were the times I tried to reason with you to clean out your clutter in my house. You became so enraged I had to leave or hide. I eventually realized my pleas for you to change fell on deaf ears, and it was up to me to begin to clean house. I had to find another room to continue to store my new possessions. From my tiny hidden closet, I found a space on the other side of the closet door. It wasn’t a large room but once I discarded the clutter, there was room enough for me to grow my life. With Survivor’s help, I learned to disguise the room. You never noticed my gradual infiltration.

Memories of your abuse overwhelmed. I fled my home to escape the pain until my friend talked me back home. I was a yoyo for years, but I claimed additional rooms for myself. Survivor and I found other friends. Slippery came. The three of us together learned to slip away anytime you got close. Soon, Runner came. Runner convinced me to take back more of my home. She taught me to outrun you when you caught me in a room with your stuff. Your space became smaller, and you became enraged more often. You bullied me more and I was compelled to leave home more... I was afraid for Survivor, Slippery and Runner and instructed them to stay hidden. I abandoned home to avoid the hurt.

Survivor, Slippery, and Runner found me in my exile to introduce me to a new friend. I did not desire another person to protect. My protestations fell on deaf ears. The day I met fighter was a pivotal point in my relationship with you. Fighter took control of my dire situation and instilled new energy into my life. I accomplished more than I had ever dared hope. As I recovered more rooms, you reacted with more anger and violence. My friends stayed right by my side even when I ran away, encouraged me to get back into my home and stand up to you. Fear reared his ugly head more often. I resisted my friends; I demanded they leave. I lashed out and yelled about how difficult and conflicted my life became after they arrived. In the past, I knew the safe places. I kept chaos away and you quiet. Now, I daily experienced something different and uncomfortable. I told them I was tired of fighting this war.

Alone, defeated, dejected, and abandoned. There was darkness all around, but it was quiet. I faded into nothingness until I felt the gentle touch of strong arms as I l was lifted from the cold dark pit called my life. So great was the warmth and comfort I did not think to resist. We were joined by my old familiar friends, Survivor, Slippery, Runner and Fighter. No one spoke but the warmth and strength of their presence were palpable. I became engulfed in it.

My surroundings became brighter, and I had clarity for the first time in a long time. My rescuer stopped as did my four friends. I looked into His eyes and the kindness and love electrified energy into my soul. To my dismay, He moved to put me on my own feet. I began to struggle but one more look into His empathetic eyes calmed me and I relaxed and let Him place me on my own feet.

I was surprised at how good it felt to stand on my own. The lead, the exhaustion, all the fight was gone, and I became exhilarated. Fear became a figment of a long-ago memory. I learned my new friend’s name, Overcomer. Overcomer began our conversation by re-introducing me to my four steadfast friends. He reminded me how faithful they had been, and no matter how far I ran, they continued to seek me out. I could not doubt their determination to keep me from being isolated and alone.

I wasn’t sure how to get you out of my house, but Overcomer showed me the way. I’ve always had the ability; I just didn’t realize I had the power. With Overcomer by my side and Survivor, Slider, Runner, and Fighter behind me, I demand you leave my home. You are not welcome anymore. Take everything you have and get the hell out. You can take the keys if you want but they won’t work. Overcomer has changed the locks on my door and injected a force field on my windows. You will never be able to sneak back into this place. You are not strong, and loud can’t hurt me. Go, gone, desist, and cease from my life!

@wabisabi.

Stupid is telling a five-year-old she is lying when she said she didn’t remember being told about lying and spanking her.

Stupid is telling a seven-year-old her two-year-old brother wouldn’t have died if she prayed.

Stupid is a seven-year-old feeling guilty for playing when her brother was in the hospital and dying.

Stupid is telling a seven-year-old she didn’t miss her two-year-old brother because she didn’t let him play with her toys when he was alive.

Stupid is asking for an opinion and telling the person who gave her opinion she’s wrong.

Stupid is telling a child she would be so pretty if only she just lost some weight.

Stupid is telling a child at all stages, she isn’t good enough.

Stupid is telling a sibling, why can’t you be more like your sister?

Stupid is an authority figure saying he would never hurt an eleven-year-old after he molested her.

Stupid is being told no one can know about what happened to a daughter because it would destroy the family.

Stupid is a school counselor advising an aspiring nurse she shouldn’t go to college because it would be a waste of money.

Stupid is a mother telling her daughter she didn’t need to go to college to be a someone.

Stupid is telling a sad daughter, getting married would make her happy.

Stupid is a teenager being pushed into a relationship because someone thought she would be a good fit for a stranger.

Stupid is accepting a marriage proposal because the seventeen-year-old thought she would never get another chance, and marriage would make her happy.

Stupid is not listening to warning bells when a fiancé quit a job because it wasn’t enough money.

Stupid is working all night, going to school, keeping up household chores, helping a fiance work while he started and quit 3 different sales jobs in six months so he could be successful before they got married.

Stupid is going through with a wedding a week after she graduates from hight school and her fiance gets laid off of the fourth job he had in six months.

Stupid is going on a honeymoon anyway when neither had jobs or savings.

Stupid is letting a new husband decide it would be best to go visit his grandmother while on their honeymoon.

Stupid is moving twenty-one times in eight years of marriage.

Stupid is believing the reason your husband had to quit his job is that the boss was stupid and against him … every year for the first six years.

Stupid is being told by her husband he didn’t want her to come home after sending her away for two months, defy him and pack to go anyway.

Stupid is discounting the importance of information she received that her husband molested a sister when she was ten, then slept with that same sister when she was sixteen.

Stupid is believing a husband who insists on the reason he had an affair was her fault.

Stupid is going to a friend of a brother to get counseling on sexual issues because she couldn’t satisfy her husband and being sexually exploited.

Stupid is thinking her husband would change.

Stupid is telling her husband who was “infatuated” with another woman, they either needed to get counseling for their marriage or divorce if he didn’t want to be married.

Stupid is using the same attorney because her husband didn’t want to fight, and making promises but refusing to put it in the divorce decree because he didn’t want to be legally bound.

Stupid is believing her lying husband would follow through on all that he promised.

Stupid is believing that her life was over at twenty-five, and the only way her daughters would survive her as a mother was to get them into therapy.

Stupid is to think that we cannot escape our family.

Stupid is to think we are what we are and there is no hope for change.

Stupid is believing there is no hope for a way out of despair except for suicide.

Stupid is believing no one cares and we are all alone in our pain.

Stupid is not taking the next step and the next step until we finally see the sun.

Stupid is giving up on ourselves and our worth.

Stupid is letting our past, the bad things that happened to us and those who hurt us dictate how we define ourselves.

Stupid is sweating the small stuff, obsessing on the bad stuff and ignoring the good in life and of others, and forgetting we have a Heavenly Father who walks with us through the good and the bad.