The Boy From Baton Rouge
Let's say there's a button inside a whale.... To reach this button, Bitch would have to kill the whale. If Bitch presses the button, there's a 50% chance of Bitch getting a whale, and there's a 50% chance of Bitch becoming a whale. If Bitch does become a whale, then there's a further 50% chance (25% overall) that the whale Bitch becomes—wait for it—is the whale that Bitch just killed.
Would you press this button? I mean, probably not—you're sane, or so we assume. So what on Earth would drive Bitch to press it?
Enter Claudius Thaddeus Bitch: a supple pseudo-Cajun skinny-ass youth seaman whose once-spunky spirit is as worn as his name is fake. He just quit his steady old job on the Captain's local shrimping ship to try his hand at Duke Divinity, not quite realizing a) the cozy connection between company wages and chapel tuition; b) what Divinity School actually entails; c) where Duke is; and d) that one has to apply. That last one really messed him up. Long story short, Bitch is out of a job with nowhere to go and nowhere to swim to. Well, nowhere but down, that is; down, deeper and deepest deep, into the messy whale of experience.
After all, Captain Chuck Magoo, a Vietnam man if ever there was one, sure as hell won't dare take back a bible-toting, Duke 'dropout', fool-ass savant like his old friend Bitch—and what the Captain says is law here in the voodoo-encrusted crooks and crannies of swampy Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Nobody else will dare hire Bitch unless the Captain says otherwise, and the Captain would sooner go to San Francisco than endorse Bitch.
Basically, Bitch is hopeless. His job's long-gone, and family's definitely not an option. Bitch's mom was a starlet, you see, last appearing in the role of 'unidentified corpse' at her own rock-rollicking funeral following a dreadfully Bohemian heroin under-dose at a Khmer Rouge sponsored off-brand Oscar after-party. ...But Bitch don't know that. And what he don't know, can't hurt him. All Bitch knows is he sure as hell ain't going to friggin' Las Vegas to talk to that two-timing b*tch again! And forget about his father! Any man who walks with Pope Francis is no friend of Claudius Thaddeus Bitch. And you better believe Bitch has no woman to come home to!! The last wench that he wandered the streets with is currently turning tricks (and not the kind you'd expect...) outside the meerkat exhibit at the Fresno Zoo. That's a euphemism.
Long story short, Bitch has nowhere to go but forward.
But Bitch is ok with that.
Bitch sees a single solution....
So what drives Bitch to the sea, to the whale, to his unholy reckoning, and the bittersweet push of that salt-bloodied button? Desperation, that's what. And a whole bunch of other craziness too! But why don't you just watch the film? Look: Bitch is gonna press the button. But what in blubbery Whale-halla will happen when he does?!