So there's this boy

Who's not really a boy anymore

That I liked a lot

He might've been my first real crush

But he broke me

He whispered sweet nothings in my ear

And kissed it after

I felt like I had won the lottery

But all I won was a shattered heart

I may have not loved him

Entirely

But I was getting there

He looked deeply into my eyes

And I believed everything he said

Not realizing that he had betrayed me

Maybe we were nothing

And maybe we would have never been anything

But he was the first one

I had a lot of crushes growing up

But none of those ever came close to what I felt for him

And he still looked into my eyes

And promised me heaven

I fell into his trap

And he just laughed at me

Oblivious

He made me feel stupid

I should have seen it coming

So many red flags

And I ignored them all

Deliberately

Because I had trusted him

And I only have one question for him

'How could you look me in the eye, tell me that I was the one you were going to love after what you did?'

I wish I could tell you what you did to me

And how much it hurt me

But the mere thought of looking into your eyes

Reminds me of all the things I saw you do and ignored

Because you made me feel good without touching me

Because you made me fall for you

Stupid me

With my broken back

You weren't there to break my fall

I want to hate you

Vanish you from my life

But you taught me so many incredible things

I'm forcing my mind to believe that those were real

But it asks another question

'Were you teaching me a lesson on not trusting anybody or were you making fun of me all along?'

I wish I could say that your actions made me stronger

But I'm not so sure

I had never been good at trusting people

And I hate myself for having done so with you

I hate the fact that I don't love myself.

I hate that whenever I look in the mirror and feel pretty, I see someone better looking than me.

I hate when fit people say they are fat. If they think they are fat, then I must be some sort of new kind of hypos.

I hate when people - normally beautiful people - tell me that I should talk to my crush when they don't understand that boys look at me as if I were a potato or maybe an alien.

But most importantly, I hate that I can't stop caring about what people say about me when I know I should only make myself happy.

If someone cheats on you, they will do it again.

The first time is always the hardest for the cheater because they won't know what to do. They are not sure of cheating, they don't know what will happen next, they won't know if you or someone else will catch them.

They'll do it again after knowing what happened the first time so they can control better the situation.

It's like skipping class for the first time and you are afraid of teachers finding out, of being caught in the act, of someone calling your parents.

If nobody discovered that you skipped, the next time you'll remember what you did in order to not get caught and not be as scared of skipping class.

I'll be difficult.

I'll act like that car of mine

that you just hate so much.

The car that you beg me

to let you fix

but I'm too proud

to let you do that.

I'll be annoying.

I'll be like those days

when it's hot and it's cold

and you don't know what to wear.

I'll be insecure.

I'll be like the starts we've seen

at three thirty in the morning,

they seem to scared to shine brighter

so we only see as if they flicker.

But I'll love you, deeply.

I'll even look clingy

and soffocate you.

Like when you take a shower

and you feel the steam

invading your nostrills

and you suddenly feel

like you can't breathe.

But I also know that

you love hot water

but you still get in the shower

with me,

and let the cool water

hit your back

as you kiss me.

I feel you shiver

but you won't let me

make it hot for you

because you know

I hate hot water.

You won't leave me

because for some reason

you rather suffer

than let my flawed self go.

That's something

I'll never understand

and I don't know

if I want me to understand

or you.

As I look at you, I realise how lucky I am right now.

I see how you are basically perfect.

Not only have you got the looks and are attractive but you got the personality to match as well.

I, on the other side, couldn't be uglier with my plain looks that could match the pavement.

Me, that am annoying, stupid and boring as fuck.

Just as pathetic.

Inside and out.

They say that opposites attract but this isn't fair for you.

You deserve someone like you.

Someone who's beautiful inside and out.

One day, you are going to wake up and look at what I see in the mirror everyday.

You'll see myself the way I look at me and go.

You'll see that you can do better than me or good for that matter.

You are going to realise that I'm not worth and leave.

I'll be hurt but I won't be surprised.

Because I'll be waiting ready for the day that happens.

One day, you are going to meet someone better than me.

Someone good.

Because I'm a bad person.

You are going to break my heart.

It will be easy for you to move on.

I will move on but it'll take longer.

You'll find someone who will make you happy.

Someone who will be good for you.

Someone as perfect and you.

And it won't be me.

And I'll be okay with that because you'll be happy.

And when you do, you'll be happy that you are no longer with me.

You'll realise that I was a mistake.

And you will learn from me.

I'll be gone and you'll forget about me.

And it will be okay.

Because you deserve everything good.

One day, you'll think of me and be grateful for the time you spent with me.

I'll be left there but you'll be whole.

And that will be enough, for the both of us.

You are going to look at her and know the difference between good and bad.