I may have fallen onto my bed, but my heart sunk deeper,

Through the mattress,

through the floor,

through the ground.

She comes to the rescue,

Curls up on my chest to conceal the hole,

Purring,

she rescucitates me from my despair

A smidge floats up

A piece of my heart

I would have died without her

It started out slow,

Electricity and warm in my chest,

In my face

Each breath I exhaled was like breathing out alcohol

But in a good, addicting way

I would graze my hand over his face, touch his chest, make my way down

He would pull me closer by my waist

The ecstasy it was

And as the desire grew deeper

We grew closer

With each layer stripped

He would ask me to do something

I felt disgusted even thinking about

But I did it for him, for his pleasure

I wanted him to be happy

And when everything was done

I had horrible nausea in my stomach.

A few days passed, and he decided to share

He said I did it wrong

He said he didn’t have the pleasure he could have, if I did it another way

I did something I felt disgusting doing

I hated it, but I did it for him

And he shamed me for the way I did it for him

What made me feel like less of a woman

Started when you told me I was too stiff

You complained I never let go

And when I did

For you

You treated me like a whore

What made me feel less of a woman

Was when you told me

I’m doing it wrong

And that it turns you off

When I felt

The most vulnerable

What makes me feel less of a woman

Is when I lie in bed

And take it everytime

And I pretend like I enjoy it

I wish I did

I felt like less of a woman

When you looked at other woman

Flirted with them

Spoke about them

And got mad at me

When I told you, it upsets me

I felt less of a woman

When you told me to dress up for Valentine’s Day

And said nothing about how I looked

I spent hours for you

I felt less of a woman

When that same day

You drove me in a circle

Only to drop me off at home

Without a flower

Without a gift

Nothing

I felt less of a woman

When I worked so hard to make you a that dish

And you only at a bite

And pushed it away

I felt less of a woman

When I worked so hard to make you a gift

And you didn’t even say thank you

You ignored my birthdays on purpose

What makes me feel less of a woman

Is when I gave you these parts of myself and more

But to you

It was worthless

Free me from your shackles,

I’m done loving you,

These mindgames

I don’t have the strength to leave.

You cornered me, with courts and emotionally.

When you block me, please

don’t unblock.

You never show me love anymore

Never apologize

Never visit

Never forgive

Endlessly hold grudges

Instigate fights

Ignore me

Yet all I do is show you love

Why do you hate me?

I had to apologize when YOU hurt ME.

My worst relationship yet

I would do everything to make you happy

So much, yet

So little you’ve done for me.

You obliterated my emotional stability.

Over nothing.

Ugh. I hate it, but I still miss you.

I am starving, for one thing.

My entire life I never understood why I was depressed,

until I was fulfilled.

When he touched me.

When he hugged me.

I finally let myself go for someone and he destroyed me.

My skin is hungry again.

The mental trauma manifests itself physically, through anxiety.

I am angry

I am stressed.

I have trouble keeping relationships.

I am lonely.

I long for a connection, I don’t feel human.

Nothing feels right.

I don’t feel like I have a family,

Life feels hollow, empty.

I no longer feel that my mother is my mother, I see her as a stranger. I see everyone was strangers.

I’m lost.

I’m not ugly, but my environment does not allow me to touch anyone I know.

And it destroys me.

My skin is hungry.

Someone hug me.

You dipped into the shallow pond,

All that was left was a moving shadow,

Dark and sinister, Swimming

Like a fish, but forever haunting me.

You’ve seen the ocean

Water in my eyes,

Sizzling onto and off my cheeks,

And you flagellated over That.

I looked over the pond,

I saw myself looking back

Wearing the white dress you wanted me to wear.

It turned to ashes,

I stood there naked,

My humanity insulted by your emails.

In the pond water, you kissed another girl,

Perhaps did more,

But you’ve delved into the darkest waters

I couldn’t see, I didn’t want to see.

But you told me,

To bait me.

And I jumped into the water.

I swam through the abyss,

To find you.

I drowned myself looking.

I would wake up,

Please stop resuscitating me,

My mom holds my hand. But,

Somehow I always end up by the shallow pond,

Reflecting, watching

And accidentally drowning myself again.