an addiction story, in verse

after.

when, on halting feet

you took those first steps, alone

and away from me, who held you so close

who carried you in my mind, my dreams, 

fear and rage left no place

for thoughts of you, of light

a new struggle, now

those early days when you,

fragile as an egg

allowed yourself to be cupped

and passed from hand to hand, now gone

me, justifiably worn, purposeful then

but what now

treatment, 1.

your complaints, strangely confident

bumbling therapists, and

no one to confide in here

nothing to fill the time, the void unbearable

treatment lows and delusions of grandeur,

food you didn't like

noisy neighbors and itchy sheets

cheap cigarette cartons littered the floor

new habits now practiced, new finesse

walls covered in tedious proclamations

that served your purposes

i felt degraded by you, 

and so tired

treatment, 2.

the complacency of your denial

suddenly undone, a knot untied

in your hands, turned agile

and your mind, sharpened in new ways

disquiet, a shaking, quivering sadness

that seemed to fill all rooms

its own weight, breath

a darkness filled your holes and lingered

you, alternately vacant and present, charms and talismans 

held in a death grip, sweaty palms and 

apologies at night, whispered over and over, 

a mantra that punctured my soul

and does still

before.

the energy we all own, ours alone

can only bear so much deceit

vague allusions, offhand and yet

so carefully contrived

your lucidity a thin veil

i knew if i looked closely enough

i might see through it to you

staggering under the weight of the mountains

of psychic baggage you could no longer carry

your overwhelming sense of ineptitude,

too often borne out, and my guilt

my desire to avoid it all

until i couldn't