Losing

Losing it. Sounds like something that happens all at once. So how do I choose? Age eight: the dirty old man across the street. One claw, like that of a sloth, grasping my arm while the other groped within my shorts until his wife yelled "leave that little girl alone". Was that when I lost it? Or maybe when I was twelve, babysitting for my friend's older sister. When the woman's date crawled into bed with me, was that when I lost my virginity? Perhaps it was my first consensual experience. Bringing a guy home from a college party just to try it. No hope, or for that matter, desire, to experience actual intimacy. Is that when I lost my virginity, my innocence?

I do know when I got, maybe not innocence, but something, I got something back. At thirteen, watching my friend play a video game in a game room. A complete stranger walked up behind and reached around to grab a boob. At that moment I could envision a lifetime of strangers grabbing, jabbing, twisting... I could see it rolling out before me. I decided that these fuckers would not define me. I turned and punched him. There was a brief stand off. Then he turned and walked away.

Eventually, still a little stunned, I looked around.

No one had noticed.