Presumed Dead

“Who could be calling me at 7:00 A.M.?” I wondered as I rolled over ,grabbing the shrilling telephone.

“I know what you did!” shrieked an ominous voice before hanging up.

Shock permeated my body as I remembered what had happened three years ago. I had become tired of that bitch’s nagging, shoving her away from me. Tripping, my wife knocked her head on the corner of the kitchen table. In horror, I felt her pulse but it was too late. She was as dead as a door nail. For an hour, I sat on the couch in abject terror, frantically thinking what to do next. I decided to roll her up in the shower curtain before placing her body in a garbage bag in my bathtub until night fell. Needless to say, I called in sick to work. Well, I was the boss, anyway, so that was no problem. Darkness came as a relief to me!

After pacing the floor the entire day, I came up with a plan. I dragged the trash bag to the kitchen door which opened to the garage, placing her in the trunk. Driving for three hours, I stopped to cover her with branches deep in the woods.

After the phone call, I knew I was probably falling into a trap but couldn’t resist driving to the disposal location to see if her body was still there. To my utter consternation, the bag was torn and empty but there was a little box on the ground.

Opening the container, I saw a note which read, “I wasn’t’ dead, you S.O.B., just unconscious. Right now, I am cleaning out our bank accounts and safety deposit box and flying the coop! My name is still on our accounts because you didn’t declare me dead!