Maternal Figurine

she walked past me. I can't believed I still hoped to be found.

it's like. when you get lost in the mall as a kid. and you hope really hard for someone to recognize you and take you home. it's been hours and no one has found you. so you keep waiting. and hoping. then you get scared. because what if you never find them again and this is your life now. then you see them. and you expect them to be like "OH THERE YOU ARE IVE BEEN SO WORRIED" and you hug. or something. but you also expect them to scold you. "you should've reached out and found us. you just waited. you didn't even try to find us." so it's that split second of pure fear. then you hope they just don't see you. because if they were worried, you are the cause of it. and if they are angry. you are still the cause. and you'd rather them continue on doing whatever they were doing without you poisoning their peaceful atmosphere. so now you hope they just. don't find you. while hoping they do. because who doesn't want to be found. and then they really don't see you. and it's now the fear of being forgotten that plagues you. or the fear that you were just another Tuesday. when they were the closest thing to a maternal figure you had. the closest thing to what should've been a mother. should've been your mother. my mother. "mother".

then it hits you they already have their own family. and it's. beautiful. and healthy. it works. everyone has their problems but it's normal. it's what should've been normal. it's everything you are not and it's something you want. but it's not yours to take. never yours. you were just a kid that attended their tuition class every Tuesday. a class your father paid for. playing hooky wasn't an option. they were just a teacher. and a mother. but. not yours. never was yours. it's their family. you know you aren't included. and you understand you can't make waves in a calm pond when the pond doesn't belong to you. but you still hope they'd see you and let you in. even when they know you'd mess with the ambiance somehow. because you just miss that calm water. but they don't have to. no one has to. there's no obligation to help you. no one can save you.

so you are thankful they never realized they passed you. imagine telling someone you fell lower than the last time they saw you. and the last time they saw you they were praying for you really hard. for the good times to come. but the good times never came. times were always down. never really up. it was never in their power to change it but they really hoped so hard for you so how can you let down someone's hope. and they told you that everything would be fine once you got out of that house but everything is not fine and you just want to hug them and bawl so hard you can't breathe but you hate hugs you hate them so much and you hate crying even more and you hate them because why are you so attached to them then it comes out that you really hate yourself a whole lot and you don't want to spread that hate so how could you meet them again what if they can tell I got worse instead of better how am I supposed to explain that.

so once again you are thankful they no longer recognize you physically.

you wanted to be forgotten and forgotten you were so. so you were?in a sense. I guess the prayers did work. but isn't it rude for the prayers to work 7 years later. isn't that too mean. I. wanted to be forgotten by the general population that surrounded me. not by her. but she walked past anyways with her family. and it's not your family too and that's okay. you have no rights to leech into another person's family. that's okay. because if the manifestation for the one person that could attest to your existence forgets you. then. maybe. the manifestation to die young is coming too. we weren't even far apart. it was less than a meter. side by side. I was looking right at her she was looking right at me. did I really change so much. I mean yeah HAHA can't recognize myself in the mirror and all but. damn.

I should be happy it worked right?

but that means her prayers didn't work.

and she's the one that believes.

I think. I miss. my teacher.

do you think if I made a figurine. and hug it. would it suffice.