13th Confirmed

There was one thing my father always took pride in when it came to me.

"You've always been so emotionally mature."

I used to take pride in it too,

until I realized I was just a fool.

Pretending to be unaffected by words,

to be so strong as if tears weren't pooling at my feet.

I was 3. Then 4.

Kids don't really think at that age at all,

so why was I thinking my life would've been done by age 15, no more,

that age was my fate to fall.

so.

Somehow I've made it to 19.

Where did all that "emotional maturity" I had go.

I'm stuck returning to a site that suddenly has a paywall.

Maybe I really did die at 15.

I claw at a wall like a damned spider who'd 8 legs and lost 4.

Nothing is making sense.

I keep crashing and burning when I've done nothing?

I'm stuck in the same house,

same room,

same desk,

same gloom,

mentally I never moved past 15.

Why. Was I not supposed to be more mature than this?

How could I have been better off as a kid.

How could I.

That's not fair.

Give him back.

Where did he go.

I've been trained not to cry, not to make a sound.

That's what I'm doing right now.

That must mean I'm mature right?

Since I listen to whoever that calls?

I listen and I get things done.

Is that not maturity?

What was not being allowed to cry for.

Sure they never said it aloud...

unless screaming at me that strong, mature people don't cry counts...

but I think anyone would shut up if you screamed at them loud enough and held them down by the jaw so they'd struggle to make any sound let alone cry. I think anyone would've learned to keep quiet when tears only ever made the fighting louder.

Could you not have left me alone?

I was 4.

Wouldn't that have been easier on all of us?

15 is a kid too.

And a 4 year old thought they'd never live to that big age.

Does that not sound absurd to you.

It does to me.

What kind of kid thinks that?

Not me.

I've always been more mature.

Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I see that quote alot.

Can't guess as to why.

Why would a 4 year old be more emotionally mature than a 46 year old.

Then you scolded me.

For my mouth was seemingly made of gold.

"Filled with money. That's why you can't open your mouth."

Wasn't keeping quiet a virtue to being mature?

Is that not what you keep saying I am?

Is that not what I'm supposed to be?

I was 4.

And now I'm stuck ranting in a place that didn't always have a paywall.

Didn't have a debit card when I was 12.

Isn't that why there were so many writing sites that were free?

Free to write all the things I can never say aloud?

Why am I even paying to write this.

There's drafts in this site that I can never leave.

Because internally, I think I never matured past the age of 4.

The games I used to play.

They changed too.

I used to be able to access all the portals in this one dragon game.

Now, I can't access any of them.

Because I never completed any of those new "quests" and therefore haven't unlocked it.

What about those 5 years I spent playing.

Were they worth nothing?

I know I left for sometime but I thought that was how I'd finally mature.

Leave it all.

That'll make me grow tall.

Leave it all.

Nothing stays the same so just fall.

There's something terribly wrong with me isn't there.

I guess having hobbies really wasn't that childish after all.

Or maybe I'm just childish.

And rather being unable to live past 15,

maybe I've always known I wouldn't be able to live past 4.

I can't find 13 reasons to live.

So exactly what is this all for.

I've found 13 confirmed reasons to die though.

The world truly keeps spinning.

I thought I was healing.

I really had the gall to believe I was healing.

No one really expects me to answer texts.

To respond to a call.

If I go offline for weeks they'd just put it down that I'm just like that.

I'm just built like this.

No one needs to worry.

I always come back.

But really I've been preparing them for the day I really won't respond at all.

Then they'd think it's just me being sulky.

As I always am.

I always respond eventually.

I always figure out how to move eventually.

Even though my feet feel like they grew roots without me.

It'll get better eventually.

The weather never stays the same.

Maybe I've just been weathering a bad storm for 19 years.

Surely I can hang on for 19 more.

But truthfully,

No one is ever getting that call.

I could be dead right now and it would still be Thursday morning,

and the days would pass.

I would have no one claim my body at the morgue.

No one would notice I'm gone.

Permanently.

I've been training them for this.

To not be phased when I finally decide to do something about this life I do not want to live.

Weeks would pass.

They'd continue their lives peacefully.

Meet new people.

That's my 13th Confirmed reason.

I'm proud of myself finally.

Successfully manipulated everyone into thinking I'm mature, and I'd come back eventually.

This is mature right.

Never give anyone a reason to worry.

Never hold anyone back.

Never make your problem anyone else's.

This mature.

I'd lose any fight to whoever I was when I was 4.