Another rant

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: does it make sense if I say I clash w my mom so much because she is the youngest child and I am theoretically the oldest child.

but I don't get along w my dad because he's the oldest child and I'm theoretically the youngest

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: so we have a lady who can never be wrong for she was the youngest and everything wrong to be done had alr been done by he 12 siblings never her, she was the best child and everything she gives comes at a price for whatever she wants/ is expecting and her mom was tired raising kids and since most of her siblings were alr young adults and working she just was left and forgotten, so how else would she raise her own child if not in the same way

and we have a man who always made the first mistakes, already raised and funded 8 siblings higher education, and bought them houses. so the only thing ever expected of him was to be financially well enough to continue providing so how else would he raise his own kid if not in the same manner

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: which explains why one believes I should live my life directly in accordance with what she wants for me, since the cost of her labour was for me to live her dream, since everything was figured out for her I should do the same.

and one who believes I need to figure everything out myself because no one is coming to save you. and you have no siblings so once he dies there isn't any family relation left to anyone. and I'd be alone.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: yk they rlly are complete opposites.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: my mom never went to college or uni cuz no one payed for her to go. and fyi her dad was loaded enough to fund all her siblings education full way to uni. while having a bungalow in the heart of old town KL. so she just didn't go.

and my dad worked hard enough to send himself overseas and pay for all of his siblings to go to uni in Malaysia, and buying 3 of them houses in 1990s, including one for himself.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: what in the fuck are my circumstances

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: doesn't this mean my mother's family was well off. is that why nothing my father does is ever good enough for her financially.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: we are a T20 household on his income alone.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: is that not. enough.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: she would describe her childhood so poorly because "My mother had no money" and "we could never buy good food"

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: but 7/13 of them got sent to catholic boarding school. ts was expensive??

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: and all the food she said she ate as a kid. was in fact middle to high class food that my father had never tried until he sent himself for higher edu. he lived from sardines as godsend food. while she disliked sardines cuz she hated the sandwiches her mom made w them.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: sometimes I wish I was raised as a child.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: yk the entire reason I made another insta account was so I could like and comment on posts without the nagging voice condemning me for having an opinion and wanting to be heard. so I've been trying to learn how to express myself by commenting on and liking insta reels.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: I think I'm going crazy again. or this is the aftermath from when I went crazy.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: yk I have a severe opinion that people never change and it's because I can't accept the fact that I was never a good enough reason for my parents to change their ways. I could scream about how much I hate them and how I wish I was a dog because then they'd at least treat me better. and maybe they would've shown up. or try to. or how I have to keep myself busy if not I just lay it all out in a WA chat because I really never changed either. I still want my mom and dad to hear me even though I don't know who my mom and dad are. and I want to be told that they'd be there for me. and that I was good enough to hug. good enough to be their child. I could scream. but they would just walk away. then they'd eat their separate lunches and live their separate lives like I never said anything worth taking off their earphones for. and it's ironic how I do the same to people the moment they express any feeling to me. I think I'd really like to be asked about my day without it being a passing question. I think I'd like it if they waited for my answer. it would be nice if they stayed to hear it. and that is why I hate talking to people. because it's stuck in my heart that a bunch of strangers are capable of this, when the first people who should've done this with me was supposed to be them and it's like they never tried to do it.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: I think I really like the idea of parents but I can't really imagine what it would be like to have them physically. I can't even dream of having parents. what the fuck does that mean

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: I think I'd like to relate to those quotes that go "You can't kill yourself, imagine how sad you mom/dad/friend would be if they got that call." but I know no one would be called. my emergency contact number is my old phone number. I'd like to say "trying my hardest not to kill myself because I don't want them getting that call" but there is no them. I imagine my death so much it's more like a memory while all my actual memories are cloudy or don't exist at all.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: Like I think it would've been nice to have told someone when I died. but I know for a fact I am shit when it comes to expression.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: The only thing I remember from my childhood was the rage and jealousy I had whenever I saw another kid being capable of running to their parents for a hug and their parents actually hugging them. and it was Srikl where no one really had parents that showed up. if those parents never really showed up then what were mine. I didn't even know what I felt was jealousy. I just thought I was utterly incapable of being deserving enough for someone's care. I think it would've been nice if I hurt myself and someone was actually there to bandage it up. even if it didn't hurt.

[16/07, 04:23] ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ: do you know how confused I was that people were worried about my finger when I burnt it. I burnt my fingers way worse before. the entire 3 fingers. and I had to deal w it and bandage it myself. and I still can't understand why people cared for such a small burn on my finger. or that xy would send me to my room because I was tired. I've been born with a "sleep is for the dead" mindset. so that didn't make sense either.