Building It Up Before It Began

Before:

I thought.

I thought maybe we could be the pair of lovers who walked side by side, not needing to touch, comfortable to accompany the other, in silent communion.

I made movies in my head. A friendship that maybe could lead to more?

In the thick of it:

Then I stopped dreaming so often. You would look at me and I did not know what text to read from you. From your eyes? From your limbs? Or just from your voice? What were you really saying? Was I looking just to look?

Now:

Now I am awake, your words a halting rejection through clenched teeth showed me I did "read you right" after all. Now, I do not yearn for you. At first not as often and then not much at all. It seems to have happened overnight or maybe it was many nights. What I know is that I am now the one who isn’t able to always see you. I see you and I do not know if I feel anything anymore: is it gone or will it come back?

I do not yet understand how this happened. My first instinct is to look at myself and wonder if I am broken, or that I am running away from the prospect of a relationship, because I believe I cannot have one, because I am afraid of intimacy. I think this has always been true, even before, before he came and

t

o

o

k.

Or

maybe I do not want to date you and you are a friend. A friend from the beginning and a friend to the end.

But now,

I sometimes catch you looking at me. You are thoughtful in your expression and you blush when I smile. What changed?

Did we just

switch places?