Just Dreams

Wreckless abandon and carefree trips around the sun haunt my mind late at night.

I am not meant to stay, but wander and experience, love and lose, travel the world on an endless pursuit of meaningless meaning. The monotony weighs heavily. I could quit my job without notice. I could get rid of everything that doesn’t have a purpose, forget the sentimental value, forget the gifts from friends throughout the years, or the letters from Grandma. It all weighs my soul down. Forget what I should be and what I need to be for others. Forget the meaningful connections and responsibilities. Forget all those who depend on me, such as my aging parents, my friend going through a bad breakup, my students struggling with bad home lives, the three outdoor pet cats I feed every night, and my lover trying to stop drinking. I care for them all, and it has become too much of a burden. I cannot stay here any longer! Perhaps, I could occasionally send postcards to family and friends like a way-faring traveler. No, that’s too much responsibility. I am suffocating, and I wish you all well! Tomorrow morning, I will cancel my lease, quit my job, pack a bag, and leave.

Morning comes, and the selfish façade fades in the dawn’s light. How could I be so ridiculous? I can’t do any of it. I message my beloved about our dinner plans that night. I get ready for work and call my mom and dad on the drive there. Arriving at work, I am greeted by coworkers and students, some ready to learn, others not. I smile. In this moment, I know I must continue to carry the weight, and my dreams of reckless abandonment will have to remain just that, dreams.