Date: 05.19.25 Location: Office

I can feel the gnawing restlessness inside of me like a loaded gun.

I look up flights to Thailand on company time and wonder if I could get away with threatening to quit again. The key to threatening to quit is that you have to really mean that shit.

I wonder if a different job could restore my motivation or if I'm already too far gone. I fantasize about the simplicity of being a barista. I hated being a barista.

Is this what a quarter-life crisis feels like? I'm not going to run a marathon, so that just leaves grad school... or maybe psychedelics? I google "GMAT Practice Test".

I talked to another backpacker at a bar a few weeks ago. We'd both returned from our trips at the beginning of November, but he referred to it as "about 6 months ago" and I felt my stomach drop.

My Dad just got back from a solo camping trip in Iceland. He said he realized he travels very differently alone, he never stops moving. I say flatly, "Because of the voices," and he says, "Exactly, I think I can outrun them- mostly I can."

Every afternoon, I have to close the blinds by my desk so the glare of the sun doesn't obscure my three computer screens. Every day, it feels like an affront to God.