an earth with no sun.

when i am without a person

a boyfriend or a friend im too close with

i began the journey of a floundering fish:

of an astronaut lost in space.

without an anchor to reflect

to mock and mimic

to stalk

i feel see-through

i feel silence so loud my ears ring.

my words make no noise;

they don't have meaning if not held in another's ears.

so it begins

a desperate effort to stifle the blaring quiet

a fistful of impulsivity

a bottle brimmed with hoped escape

and a body full of men I can't remember.

when i finally stumble or happen upon

someone who looks me in my eyes and seems to focus there

the world regains its sound and color

my feet find land and i sigh

relieved i made it out alive.

i look back and squint through the daze

confused and ashamed

wondering still who exactly it is

that jumps ship and begins to thrash.