all the things you’ll never know: a 2 AM rambling

you know I probably loved you

the L word, i know

i dont know enough about love to know for certain

but theres a good chance that word is accurate

i don't care to admit it

especially since its over

i remember what you did

But it feels as though we were a lifetime ago

you don't know that you were the one I wanted to run to

the one I wanted to tell every detail of my life

the one I wanted more than anything to be near

to talk to

its a shame you weren’t a great conversationalist

you don't know I talked about you so much my best friend knew fifty facts about you

and you’ve never even met her

its a pity your friends probably barely knew my name

you don't know i had a special ringtone for you

so i would always know when you texted back

it gives me flashbacks each time i hear someone else play it

you don’t know i knew your long-ass name like my own

each syllable felt like a familiar curve on the road home

i don't even think you know my middle name

or remember my favorite color

its orange

yours is blue

they complement eachother

and i have to pretend i never saved those dumb reels that promised you liked me

because it had our initials together

(you know, we were an uncommon pairing

maybe that was a sign)

you don’t know that I would count down the days til Monday

each and every week

and i would still pretend to hate you

but it was all because of you

i did so many stupid things because of you

i would text first every time

and when you did instead (rare)

my heart would jump

and i would have to play it cool (not very well)

but you called me once

after it was over

but it wasn’t really you

i cant imagine it was by choice

called with a friend who’ll never know

unless you tell her, of course

and we had to pretend

that you had never heard every detail of my life

and that i don’t always know what you are going to say before you can think it

pretending to be strangers, acquaintances

like you don’t know me

i recently broke no contact

it was never a formal no contact

just peace for my mind

the principle of it

asked a question that cycled through my head a million times

finally sent a message I had typed out so many times before

but actually closed my eyes and hit send

i mean i never thought you liked me

you sure as hell never acted like it

i mean yeah in retrospect staying up all night to text me was cute

but you made me feel inferior

stupid

and thats part of why you crossed the line

i don't know if we ended on good terms

i knew later on that my heart wasn’t in most of the texts

and the one thing i liked most

is you would always text goodnight

let me know when the convo was over

and one day i was left on delivered forever

so i‘ll always wonder

did you smile when you saw my notification pop up?

did you like the hundreds of voice memos I sent you?

did you even think about texting me after it was over?

did you know that its better you didn’t because i would have forgiven you?

did you know I was head over heels?

were you?

I asked if we were ever talking

you said

“Kinda”

for an idiot teenage boy, i know that means yes

it means i am the most moronic moron to ever moron

talking is such a simple term

less than a relationship

more than just friends

and i cant lie

sometimes i still wish i could open my phone

and see your name across my lock screen

i dont know why but

if you texted

i would respond

you don’t know my friends said we were talking

that you liked me

and that i never believed them

id say that i didn't think it was a talking stage and you didn’t, so therefore it wasn't

anything

i guess i was wrong

you’ll never know how much i missed you

your quick replies and open ears

ive learned to live without it

but it was nice while it lasted

so i asked

you answered

we kept it quick

you remembered a little more than i thought you did

made me realize i left some kind of impression

i said i‘d see you around

you said

”shore”

i dont know if anything has ever hit me like a train harder

shore is a word i use

it means sure

but more sarcastic

like yeah, right

like im gonna get an 100 on this test

yeah, shore

it marked the end of an era almost

confirmed we are done

we both know it

i dont really use shore anymore

it reminds me of you

i mean you used to make fun of it

but you took it as your own

i’m happy to let you have it

maybe it’ll be the thing you take from me

we all do things a way someone we cared about did

i always fold laundry the way my father does

i‘ll always pick from the back of a grocery shelf like my mother

and draw eyes the way the coolest girl i knew when I was nine did

i‘ll always put on lipstick the way my best friend from middle school does

and from you I don’t know

maybe ill take the way you slide your glasses up your nose

or how you shake out your legs after you stand up

or maybe ill take the way your eyes gleamed when you looked at me

or maybe the things that remind me of you:

self checkouts, the Dodgers, haircuts, Carol G, flipping quarters off your thumb, liquid Tylenol, this hideous teal color that did not go with your coloring at all

as much as we weren’t great

i think i’ll take your awareness, knowing that people like me more than they seem

you know, you suck, but you give good advice

secretly i wish we were still friends

i hope we’ve both matured enough

because while i don’t feel anything anymore i still wish you were in my life

i thought you would come to my sports games

because you made a promise late one summer night

but it was over

and it'd be weird to invite you

i knew you for years

and while you were never my favorite until last summer

i miss talking to you

i miss that you’re an idiot

i miss telling you about my life

and you know, its been over for a while

its a year since I sent you that first text

and we pretended it wasn’t awkward

even though it was

and now im up at 2 am

typing this in the dark

wondering if you would do the same

and we were never together

so there’s nothing to mourn

but ive thought about us for longer then we ever talked

i feel better almost

knowing you must have felt something too

and it wasn’t all in my head

you know that was my worst fear

that i hallucinated all of it

told it wrong to my friends

and there was never anything in the first place

you don’t know i lost all my photos of you a few months back

new phone

it was already long over

but i can admit

when id miss you id pull them up

or our old text messages

and think about what we were and how we were

you know I may be glad they’re all gone

forced me to move on

i have to guarantee my friends that you aren’t chopped

but i think it made recovery easier for me

i think recovery is the right word

i feel like a cliche, like i finally get the words of all the love songs

i craved the dopamine and excitement of talking to you like a drug

and there’s only one way to get sober

to stop

the last evidence of you other than memories and stories are wiped from existence

you know i still tell people about you

but now when you’re

just some guy i know

there‘s layers behind it

resentment, humor, loneliness, appreciation and forgiving

we have our history and i am fine to leave it as history

will i still remember you in a year? five? twenty?

perhaps i never really meant it before now

but you are just some guy

ive received my closure

i dont know how to feel

i feel like i want more

to get answers for more questions

i thought i would feel better

but im up between the hours where night embraces the day

i usually sleep like a baby

when i wake up i wonder if this will all still hold true