Heat haze dreams in the gazebo

I have been trying to tell you that

my heart is weary, worn out

and torn apart…

tired from walking miles

back into the past

to meet your memories,

to reminisce our passionate moments,

to find itself again…

to find me.

I used to think that

I was so long gone,

so beyond salvageable

that it’d be futile to even try

to even make an effort

to find the scattered pieces

of the wreckage you left behind.

To be honest, I was,

and still am-

lost, vanquished by you,

and by my love for you…

I still try to find some semblance

of a ray of light,

something to soothe me

amongst this crippling despair and longing

that you’ve so cruelly

bestowed upon me…

Do I get to keep this gift of yours forever?

Do I get to keep you in my memory forever, even if it’s going to be this way?

Is this your way of eradicating

all traces of my innocence,

my purity of intent, my love

and my affection

for you

from my own heart?

I cannot help but think

you did not ever love me,

to begin with.

Your unfaltering loyalty

to your ego,

Your unfailing desire

to torment my soul

with the unceasing cruelty

of your absence…

Telling me- you care,

you care,

Oh yes! You do care, a lot.

But these words remain just that- words.

And after the evening ends

and the sun sets,

you leave

and you leave

and you leave…

You don’t come back.

You won’t come back.

I need to know my love,

I need to know.

To what is this resolute intent

to keep repeatedly setting on fire

these dilapidated remains

of my poor heart

owed?

I want to know

was it all just for

feeding your insatiable ego?

Did any of it mean

anything to you at all?

Is this how we part?

Do you get to be the one to take

my heart away from me?

And do I get to remember you as

unrelenting in your cruelty,

distressing me with your

stone cold bloodless heart?

What even is left?

of me,

of this inner hell you’ve put me in,

And I would say “of us”

but there isn’t an us.

There never was.

It was always just me

and my cognitive decline- causing abstract projections

of who I made you out to be…

King of my Kingdom,

Holder of my baby heart…

And in these

cerebral heat haze dreams

that I conjure up of us;

you cherish me so much,

embracing me in your strong arms

and gently caressing and kissing me

with love, so much love

as you away me gently

as the sweet scented wind blows

through the pink blossoms

on the marble gazebo

in the centre

of our garden…

You tell me you’re here with me now

and this time it’s for good…

you say you won’t ever leave me

or us

and you don’t

you don’t

you don’t.

~Love.

~Loss.

- You don’t ever come back. It‘s been years now, I am trying to find the strength to let you go.

- You never loved me. I get it now.

- Reality is too cruel a place to be in, specially when you’re not here with me.

- I conjured up those heat haze dreams of you, of us and I created whole parallel universes out of them, and for now and forever; I stay here, and I don’t come out of it.

- It used to be a thing where no one could take your place, but now even you cannot take your own place anymore.

- These heat haze fever dreams are laced with blue butterflies flying around in the sun above the sparkling sea foam glittering like diamonds in the brilliant volcanic sunlight.