Erectile Disfunction and the Danbury Mint

Perusing that abyss known as Gmail, I find myself deleting a lot of digital flotsam and jetsam that is about as useful to me as a condom dispenser in a convent. Still, I have to admit, some of these garbage emails make me think. For example:

There is an amazing number of products out there for those who suffer from erectile disfunction. The pills, lotions, drinks, and even gummies (keep out of reach of children) that're advertised are guaranteed to hoist even the limpest of meat main sails. Personally, I don't suffer from the condition, but that's nothing to brag about because a light switch that can stay flipped up for 2 minutes is no big deal. "Delete"

Apparently, there are hundreds of single Asian, Russian, and women over the age of 40 who're eager to date me. Let me be clear on two things. First, I'm happily married. Second, any woman who's eager to date me is probably clinically insane and a possessor and practiced user of the Lorena Bobbitt cutlery set. So, no thank you. "Delete"

An urgent correspondence from a politician is being sent to me because the members of the opposing party are out to ruin America. Of course, said politician wants my help in the form of a donation and my vote to aid them in their quest to save America. Personally, I think all politicians be they donkey or elephant are responsible for the massive lube-free cluster fuck that has become our country. So, expecting a politician to fix our nation's issues is like asking a clan of hyenas to save a wounded gazelle. "Delete"

For a limited time, the Danbury Mint is proudly offering hand-painted collector plates that commemorate Elvis' slow transformation from svelte child sexual predator to the fat. white jumpsuit wearing, mutton chopped, Vegas performing hack he died as for just 3 easy payments of $19.99 per plate. Each month, I will receive a new beautifully painted porcelain plate along with a certificate of authenticity that visually chronicles the physical transformation caused by Elvis' steady diet of Quaaludes and fried peanut butter and nanna samiches. These magnificently created plates will surely increase in value and are so realistic Elvis' cellulite and that famous double chin will slowly appear beneath his greasy mutton-chopped gob with each new addition to my collection. But this offer won't last forever and if I act now I will also receive a replica of the check Elvis signed that bribed his bride, Priscilla's parents into not having him arrested for having an illegal sexual relationship with their 14 year old daughter. "Delete"

I am missing out on securing a mortgage in my area of California at the current 5.2% interest rate. With just such a mortgage, I could finance a desirable1-room shack located near running water on enough land to dig a his and her outhouse for the low-low asking price of $500,000. "Delete"

Amazon is hiring delivery drivers. The pay starts at $20/hour and you will receive medical and dental on the first day while receiving training in how to heave packages marked, "Fragile" like an Olympic shot putter more that 15 yards to land somewhere near the (hopefully correct) customer's front door. "Delete."

Of course, this is just a small sample of the useless drivel that lands in my email. However, I can't complain too much, because after all, a lot of what I write that ends up on the internet probably also deserves a...."Delete"