15 minutes

Time starts now. What to write, what to say? Too little time to do what I need to be doing. Time is precious, yet I feel like I've wasted lots of mine. Procrastination, determination, endurance. Struggle to the end. I'm fighting a battle against time and I'm not sure if I can win. I've done this to myself, set the bar too high with not enough dedication to achieve. But the deadline steadfastly approaches, ready or not it comes. I want to take a break, but I can't do so in good conscience. I've already allowed myself too many breaks. I need to sit down and study. The MCAT is no joke and I switch between feeling confident in my ability to succeed and absolutely devastated at my lack of motivation and progress. I've set my own pace and it's time to follow through. I'm tired, it's too late and I don't want to. Excuses, reasons, it doesn't matter. The point is I'm avoiding responsibility and allocating it to something else. I don't want to spend time blaming myself for what I should've done, the past is the past and I can't let it impede the present and future time I have remaining. I have too much to fulfill on my plate. MCAT is just one thing, but I also need to find a new job, need to find a new apartment, need to plan for applying to med school. These things conflict, worried about too many things at the same time. All arguably equally valid, it's hard to set my priorities straight. Time is my enemy and I don't have much time left. I need to focus on what I can do now that so much time has passed, figure out a plan to make up for lost time. Before it's too late. I don't know what else to do, things have been like this for me since I can remember, a cycle of grinding and burning out. Tried to change, but it doesn't stick. I know this is unhealthy, unhelpful, detrimental to my physical and mental wellbeing. Yet it feels like I can't help but be addicted to the rush of adrenaline, the stress of it all. It's how I've lived my life for so long, it makes me feel worse when I'm not stressed. I don't know why I'm writing this when I should be sleeping, studying, doing a number of other tasks. But it's a welcome distraction from the other things I have going on.