I hate it

You know that moment when you realize that you really, truly f'ed up? Like so bad that there probably is no way to fix it? And it took so long to ruin everything, but you didn't even think about it, you only thought about it after there was no way you could fix everything.

That moment when you realize that YOU were the bitch. In every situation. And you didn't even mean to. You just forgot to think. Because, shit, what did I even do?

Ok, so I'm writing this because I have nobody to tell it to, so enjoy the show I guess. There was this friend right? Like, probably the best I'll ever have. But we have such different personalities. And it worked out, like SO well. And I really messed up. Because there came another friend. A perfect copy and paste. Right there, different face, different smile and laugh. But the same personality. Same jokes. Everything.

And I lost the best friend I would ever have. And it's all my fault. I don't even know why, or how we really even fell apart. But it was bad. And I chose, when I shouldn't have.

It's hard to explain yourself to somebody who's the opposite of you, y'know? And that's the first mistake. Because we worked so well. God I wanna die right now.

Anyways, I never really went to go and fix our relationship. Mostly because if I reached out and she turned me down, what would I do then? As long as I didn't reach back out she couldn't turn me down. So there was always still a possibility of there being something there, y'know? But I didn't want to take that chance and accidently shatter such a fragile piece, the one that I wanted most.

And I really feel bad, because sometimes I would find myself wishing that the friend with the same personality was actually Sonny (let's call her that, and the other one is Bri, because why not??)

I never told anybody. I never said a thing. Just watched. Thought of how badly I wanted to go back and fix everything before it went back. Or reach out, but what if she said no? That was my next mistake. Not reaching out.

It's bene three years. God I wanna die. But, I can't go back now because I know nobody anymore. I got homeschooled. L. O. L. And let's say that me and Sonny started texting, y'know? But I think I waited to long. I ruined it. I destroyed it.

Even funnier? I'm pretty sure I liked Sonny more than, like a friend. But of course I would never go there because I'm 100% straight, y'know? And I feel bad for Bri, because I was friends with her when I really just wanted her to be Sonny.

Maybe I should just drop it all right? Maybe that would be smarter. But I have a thing where I hate bad blood. So I'm trying to fix it. And I don't think I can.

I've started looking back, and gods, why didn't I see everything before? Why didn't I just THINK for a minute? I want to go back, not to pick up where I left off. But to fix everything because there were so many moments. SO MANY people. Without me even thinking or realizing it. But I do now. And I can't go back. I want to fix so much, I left so much unbroken. So many people must hate me right now. And I wish I could hate them back, that would make it so much easier, y'know? But I can't. I wish I could disappear, or just be somebody else entirely. How can you mess up so badly without realizing it? How can you FIX it? Especially when you're not even around anymore? Why can't I just let it be? Why can't I just forget. I just want to restart. I want to forget it all. But the more I think about it, the more I remember. My gods, I've really messed up. There were so many little moments I want to take back because I accidently messed up so much.

So, anyway. That's my mind right now. Also sorry for not posting for a while, homeschooling really hits you harder than I thought it could. lol.