The Battle

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.” ― William Faulkner

The tension mounts in escalating moments

Of friction and unease.

My heartbeat and breathing, in unison,

Resound in a tempo rubato.

I’m terrified, unsure of my step

As I venture toward the unknown.

Will the road drag me to hell

Or lift me toward heaven?

Methinks my end will likely be hell

For my body rebels,

Wreaking torrential sweat and dripping profusely

To the rhythmic thunder of my heartbeat;

Like white noise, it reverberates,

Drowning all else,

Precluding the possibility of sanity.

An ocean, encompassing a multitude of sorrows,

Threatens to flood, overwhelming

As it rises in intensity and strength.

All that’s safe and warm succumbs to the sea

While I remain sinking on shore as the tide

Weaves in and out in repeated synchrony.

Darkness, looming in the fading distance,

Threatens the shell of my existence.

My mouth opens, harboring a howl,

But no sound escapes save the emptiness

Of a lone, residual breath.

Stumbling, teetering on the edge of an abyss,

Tears fall unabashedly.

I am Tantalus, incognito,

Banished to hell, forbidden water or nourishment,

With no relief in sight as a hell of my own making

Replenishes itself like a reoccurring nightmare.

A breeze lingers amidst the encroaching darkness.

In the dimness, I stretch out my hand,

Longing to capture its essence,

Starkly resisting capitulation to enemy forces.

The breeze is soft, barely discernable, but there nonetheless.

Hope rebounds, surging inside my breast,

Flooding the scourge of despair and futility.

In the span of a breath and heartbeat,

I am reminded I am loved and I am worthy.

With this enlightenment, a strength surfaces,

A gift freely given, able to conquer a mountain

Of fear and insecurity.

The gift is embellished with wonder and recognition.

I pull my feet from depths of sand and foaming water,

Shaking them free of all entanglement and doubt.

Turning my back on the obtrusive darkness,

I begin the long trek to lights lining faraway lands.

My breath grows steady and my heartbeat evens

Into a rhapsody of refined, renewable energy,

Encapsulated by life’s promises and possibilities.

I have won the battle…..

An ongoing, incessant war of which

I must always be aware and strive to conquer.

Yes, I have won the battle…..yet again…..

Cynthia Calder, 03.13.25