3/11/2025

I hate my brain. And I hate myself because of it. I don’t seem to be capable of sustained happiness. There’s a gaping hole that can only be filled when I’m with a woman and getting regular sex, but even that is a temporary fix like a drug. I’m so full of anger and hatred. I try so hard to get it out, through writing and music and karate and running and drugs and sex and whatever else I can find. But it’s always there.

Being with my kids helps. They’re the only people I truly love. And some of my friends and family to a lesser extent. But everything else is hatred and anger and fire.

And things are getting better. They could even actually be good soon. But I’m still angry and bitter and always looking for a fix and not getting it. When I’m getting regular sex it disappears, but I’m not getting that, and haven’t in a long time. I hate that that’s the only time I can be remotely close to happy.

I look to my past and feel like the anger started when I was a kid and moved from England to the USA. It might have been before that. But there’s a block there. There’s a wall that my brain has created that I just can’t get past. So I’m angry and I don’t know why and I can’t figure it out.

Sadly this is the driving force in my life. I can focus it on productive things like writing and music and running, but more often then not I’m looking for sex and drugs. Especially sex. Oh well. That’s it for today’s rant.