Wife? Spouse?

You exist, do you? I won't pretend I'm not surprised. You'll be beautiful, certainly. I'll marvel at your every spot and sway for the rest of the time we get together, you know. I hope you know. I hope I tell you how much you amaze me every day.

What gender are you? Don't tell me, it'll ruin the surprise. If I marry a man, it would shock me because I don't really like em in that way, now do I? Much as I try to tell myself to. If I marry a woman, I'll be shocked because I'm technically "not supposed to". Every other gender in this strange void full of stars we live in is welcome, I suppose. After all, no matter what I think now, falling in love and being loved back is a rather pretty thing.

I hope we take good care of each other. I am... A weak thing, at times. An animal scrapping at the ground for water to drink. I don't need the water, mind you, I'm just desperate to taste something that isn't sand. So I keep mawing at it, filling my mouth with more dust, hoping for... Something more. For you? I might put you on a pedestal. I might try to use you as a way to avoid myself from time to time. Don't let me.

I'm sure I will love you. Please love me. Completely as I am. That's all I've missed from my family. Full acceptance. I'm never quite enough to them. So I never learnt how to be enough to myself. How to face the being in the mirror and genuinely shrug with a slight nod on my head. I know I'm just another person but it's easy to forget, isn't it, that everything that makes me feel strange and awkward and unworthy is everything that makes me human?

I...

I'm not doing too well right now, friend, lover, future. I hope I'm better there. I hope you are kind to me. I cannot take any more cruelty. Just a bit and I will want to run for the goddamn hills. Move to a forest and never look back. Dissolve into film and fiction like I always do. Whenever you can, hold my hand when I try to escape and remind me that it can be safe in reality too. I forget that sometimes.

And if you ever leave me... It will hurt me like hell. So please don't unless there's a good reason. Please dear gods, let there not be a good reason. I don't want to find out that I grew up anxious, left that behind with my compassion alongside it and turned into an asshole. So love me. As I will love you. Let's pretend everything is okay for a little while. Let us dissolve into this fantasy where it's only us, our cats and our mountains of books against the fucking world.

You, me and Maggi heh... Inside joke. I hope I've told you that one.

So... In case I don't see you? Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night. Take care of yourself for me, my dove. I've waited my whole life to stumble upon your existence, yet there you were, waiting for me just as much and as long, maybe. Wouldn't that be something? Let it be fate. Let it be true. I'll be here so go ahead. Surprise me <3