Obsession

“Obnoxious and obstinate for justice.”

Ads with that tagline for obese defense attorney Obadiah O’Byrne are everywhere in southern Illinois, including his hometown, Oblong.

One of O’Byrne’s billboards got the attention of optometrist Obie Obata. So, when Obata was sued by an obscure patient who claimed his new lenses obfuscated his vision, O’Byrne was Obie’s obvious choice for courtroom representation.

The trial gets under way, and Obadiah O’Byrne exhibits his ballyhooed obnoxious and obstinate traits. He objects at every turn. He throws up legal obstacles and makes obscure motions.

However, the judge had had enough of Obadiah O’Byrne on the first afternoon of trial. She observed: “Mister O’Byrne, if you object again to my latest evidentiary ruling, I will cite you for contempt and nip this hearing in the bud. I will declare a mistrial, and force your client to hire a new…”

But O’Byrne interrupted, “I object again!” He also muttered an obscenity.

The judge banged the gavel. “Mr. O’Byrne,” she said, “you are in contempt for not obeying my ruling. You obliterated this trial. I order your client to secure new representation for a new trial.”

“But your honor,” O’Byrne observed, “please know that I am not oblivious to your obsession for conducting fair trials and meting out even-handed justice and…”

“Mr. O’Byrne,” the judge interrupted, “the trial is over. Perhaps you should change your billboard tagline to read: “Obnoxious and obstinate and obsequious.”