2/18/2025

It’s been over three years now since my wife told me she was gay and wanted a divorce. Three years out and I haven’t adjusted well to my new life. And I’m depressed and suicidal because of it. I’m a single dad with four kids. I love my kids but I hate my life. But I have to stay here for them.

After having regular sex during marriage I’ve averaged about once a year since. The closest I’ve come to love was a one-sided nightmare that almost killed me. I’ve been messing up at work to the point that I’m on a performance improvement program. To me that basically means if I fuck up again I’m fired. If that happens, I’m done. If there’s ever a point where I feel that my kids would be better off without me, it’s over for me.

I’m still paying for my wife because she has no income. I’m paying for her house, utilities, food, and everything else. I’m paying for four kids in two households and I’m always in the red, owing money and having to borrow money. I never know if I’ll be able to pay bills or buy my kids food.

I play music and had paying gigs for a while but those dried up. I do writing workshops that people rarely come to. I do an open mic once a month that has a good turn out. That’s literally the only thing in my life that seems to be going right to some extent. That and I think I’m a good dad. I show my kids lots of love and affection and let them know I’m there for them. I try to put structure and discipline in their lives so they can grow up to be decent human beings. I don’t want them to go through everything I’ve had to go through. And when I’m not with them, everything falls apart.

I smoke weed until I pass out every night so I can erase my brain. I have therapy and a psychiatrist and am on psych meds. I have bipolar disorder, PTSD, am possibly autistic, and definitely have ADHD. I hate being me. I hate everything about myself. I wish I could be happy but my life is hell.

I’m finishing my novel and will have it on Amazon in the next few weeks. This is my last hope, my last shot at something going right in my life. I need a miracle. So much is broken that at this point, I think that’s the only way it can be fixed. I’m getting divorced April 9 if all goes as planned. I hope that after that I can sell the house she’s living in. I hope I’m not financially beholden to her to the extent I am now. Maybe if I can make it those few more months, things could get just a little better.

I don’t know. I don’t expect things to get better. If she can’t get an income I may end up with full custody and then my life outside my kids is over. I love my kids but I don’t know if I’d be able to live like that. I feel alone already and that would only make things worse I think. I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I have no hope for my future. I really wish I’d just die. But again, I need to be here for my kids.

And being divorced isn’t magically going to make me happy. I’m not suddenly going to start getting laid. My finances might be better but I’ll still struggle, especially if there’s child support and alimony, which I’m sure there will be.

I used to hope and pray. But if there is a god I think he’s abandoned me. He helps other people maybe but not me. I’m the sacrifice that’s made so other people can be happy.

I don’t know if I believe in anything anymore. I try to think of what I’ve learned. I’ve learned not to trust people who act like they care about me. I’ve learned that no matter how hard I try, I still struggle. I’ve learned that my kids are literally all I have in this life that’s worthwhile. So I’ll cling to them and hope that continues to be enough.