Growing up

I’ll never know what it was really about

’till I get to the end

The more you live, the more life feels like a dream

I went to bed at 19 and woke up at 35

I’m still the same insecure boy I always was

I just look old now

And my joints creak a bit

Is this the dream

Or is this the waking?

I smudge my fingers along the contours of my face in the glass

Drawing little circles and lines

And crosses

I thought I was going to be someone

I guess I just didn’t know how

Part of the journey is realizing that there never was a past

There never was a future

Those are delusions of the heart

There was only ever now

The forever now

That grows and strengthens the body

And then slowly rots it away

As the soul is washed in mud and silt

Bloodied and scraped and scarred

I carried my body to the river

Laid it down in the water

And slowly let the currents take it away

I looked for emotion in his face

Some life in his cheeks

Where’s that smile I knew?

It’s ok

You don’t have to speak

I love you

Please take care of yourself

I’ll see you on the other side

Goodbye.