his loss or mine

my mother tells me it’s his loss

but if that’s true then why am i the one losing sleep

i lay awake throughout the night

aching for the feel of your touch

trying to forget the time we shared a bed

in that hotel room at the days inn

ultraviolence played in the background of our

breathing, i tried to get my heart beat to sync with yours

our legs tangled together and my hand

lay on your chest, yours rested gently on top of mine

we lay there all morning and i pretended

that it meant nothing to me

but i lied and it was everything

it was too late when i finally told you

and now your tangling your limbs with hers and

i’m alone in my bed, hoping that i might dream of you

when the post crying exhaustion hits

my friends tell me that it’s his loss

but if thats the case then why am i the one losing my appetite

we sit around the table at denny’s and

they talk and laugh over over breakfast at midnight

they don’t know that i’m internally laughing

at the memory of when we stopped at the dennys

in kettleman city on our way back from the

beach and you ate your fries with a combination

of ranch, ketchup, and pepper

i was playfully disgusted but really i thought

it was endearing, everything you did was

they don’t know that i purposely don’t finish

my food, a habit i got into knowing that you were

once there to finish my left overs

they don’t know that i’m nauseous because one

of them ordered your signature plate, only

they’re eating theirs with ranch, no pepper or ketchup

and suddenly i’m sick of denny’s and the memory

of you

my mom swears to me that it’s his loss

so then why am i the one losing my mind?

you’re everywhere and i can’t seem to get away

which brings me to tears because i remember a time

that i wished on the stars to never be away from you

the moon tells me that my wish has been granted

only in the worst possible way

you’re in my morning coffee before i pour in the cream

eyes dark brown like the medium roast that sits in my cup

i never liked my coffee black anyway

you’re in my car with me while i’m out running errands

the song that we once sang together playing on shuffle

i don’t sing along, instead, i remove it from my playlist

you’re in the clouds that scatter the sky

i’ve never met anyone else who loves them like i do

i convince myself not to send you a picture of them like i used to

you don’t send one either

you’re in my heart and in my head and in my bones

and they say you’re the one who lost

but that couldn’t be true

i still belong to you