bare with me...

I thought I'd try to write about something uplifting for once, but I have no idea where to begin. Through writing, I usually banish my alienation by screaming into the desolate and comatose abyss: the graveyard of dreams and cremation chamber of who we once hoped to be.

I feel troubled and disconcerted. I am so overly aware of how alone I am, that it doesn't even feel like I am here either. The silence heavily rests on my shoulders with the weight of thousands of unspoken words. My whispers for help are stifled by the impermeable, solitary vacuum of despondency.

I am subdued by the extremity of my psychological abnormality and fear that I cannot be confined to the accepted nature of communion, because I so often question whether or not I actually am human...

Do all humans feel like something is scratching them from the inside out? Trying to claw its way through your ribs and sternum; blocking your trachea and infecting your respiratory system with carbon monoxide.

I yearn for spiritual detachment from the suffering I've succumbed to in my ignorant perception of my mundane existence. I dream about the awakening to the catharsis of salvation in finding freedom from the rape that deserted me covered in blood stained thighs and immobile limbs. I wish to live unburdened from the evil I've accepted and invited into my subconscious.

Today I am alive and, although not at peace of yet, a step closer to the understanding of the preordained suffering that would eventually engulf me in love and unity.

I fight for meeting my higher self and allowing her to nurture me towards understanding that I was meant to allow it as the catalyst to my awakening.

Hopefully a happy ending.