Old Soul, Slam Poem

Old Soul?

Do you even know what the fuck that means? It means I don't have any fucking friends. It means I buried my wants and needs so far don't I can't see them anymore. It means I put others in front if myself. It means I do what I'm fucking told, not because I'm ok with not being in control, but because I have to. It means my hands are tied and at the same time, I'm the one who feeds the dogs, drives the car, makes the meals, gets you up, brushes your teeth, puts you to sleep and does it over again. I'm only ten. I'm only ten and I'm already an adult. I can count the amount of times I cried but I've lost count of how many times I comforted you. And guess what? It earned me a complement, a fucking complement.

I tried, you know I did.

I tried to do everything. I was there, even when you weren't. I was hungry when the dinner was burnt. I was restless, when you were half asleep and you don't remember any of these things.

And you're not gone, I just got away. You're not gone, but my dad still asks me why I'm not ok.

You're not gone, but you're still not here, or anywhere.

My dad just asked me why I'm upset.

It used to me my brother who I spoke up for instead.

And now when I need him his will has flown away.

My voice has shut up inside.

I can't handle this anyway.

It's not ok.

It's not ok

You asked me why I'm different now,

why I'm not ok.

I could name a million reasons but that doesn't make it change.

And, I know you want to help me but that doesn't make me sane.

I'm not ok

You want to know me then forget me half the time.

You say you want me happy but that doesn't mean you try.

I told you the problem is but you just said I lied

And I try

And again I try

I try to be hopeful

I try to be good

I try to be different

because you think I should

But I'm not so different

and I'm not alright

I still have satan whispering by my side

I wish to hope

I wish to try

but that old soul says it's time to die

Do you know what it holds?

Do you know what it means?

Do you think you owe me an apology?

Do you think that someday I'll be alright?

Do you think I'll make it through the night?

Do you know what's holy?

Do you know what's true?

Did you know I've always been afraid of you?

Afraid you're broken, afraid you'd cry, no matter how hard it is I try

my old soul

is dead inside

yet I'll always be by your side

by your side