Activate

Trying not to be triggered when it happens is like trying not to get stung in a swarm of bees whilst screaming and flailing your arms

It comes at you all at once

Without a fucking warning

And it attacks relentlessly

Like Ghost Face in Scream

All of a sudden freeze response takes over

I can't move

Ugly memories flood what could have been a pleasant next thought

Memories made of poison

Spreading throughout my body

It burns

It burns

Like a hot knife carving over a fresh bruise

Pushing further and further in

Yet not drawing blood

And I wait

For this sickening moment to pass

For it to no longer feel like my insides are exposed for the world to see

Inside out

Upside down

Naked

Burnt hot from seething rage

The shaking starts

Nausea creeps its ugly head

Always

Cold water splashes through the inferno

Thoughts spiralling

Running a million miles a minute

Heart follows like an impatient petulant little sister

“You have to Breathe” my therapist once said

“This is temporary, this will pass” yeah yeah

Bull shit

"Breathe in

breathe out"

Fingertip traces my hand as I

breathe in

and out

Write words on my legs with numb digits

Until my hands ache

There’s no one way to cope with it

It's going to take me this time

Wearing my comfort robe

I get in my bed

Put on HGTV

Drink cold cold ice cold water

The cold surrounds me now

Into the blankets I go

I’m inside myself again

Nothing else exists

Just here and now

My personal cocoon of dissociation

Locked away from the world full of want and need

No longer exposed, no more breathing heavily

My heart calmly beats

I don't belong to my memories