Ambivalent

The nausea is churning in my gut

Palms are sweaty as the memories are taking over

Pain is more prevalent throughout my body

Your face presents itself as I'm eating my shepherds pie

Suddenly hunger has left and I'm racing to the bathroom

A part of me knows

I know you loved me the way you could

but still

You had control of me like a marionette on many strings

Pulling whichever one you wanted, whenever it felt right for you

I danced for you, moved to the beat of your command

You said faster, I plastered a smile on my doll-like face and spun again and again

Until up was down and yesterday was tomorrow

The wolves were hungry and you decided I would be an easy meal

So I was thrown to them

Had to smile

Sit pretty on laps I did and didn't know

Stare absently while hands roamed where they weren't warranted

There are good memories

Of cuddling with you

You brushing my hair

Having oatmeal in the morning and you make it special with toast just for me

It felt like you loved me more than anything

But you knew who he was

You prepared me for him

Lured me into his twisted fucked up trap

Where he was primed and ready to steal every part of me I have never found again

A nanny is supposed to love

Protect and nurture

Not sell to the highest bidder

And yet

I miss you

Happy Birthday Nanny