stay alive

The anxiety came back again. The loud thumping in my mind,the feeling of choking, almost like a lucid dream.

I know I shouldn't but I can't leave this temptation. I have to feed it.

My friend, the one who knows how to handle my pain.

One swipe and I can feel numbness.

Everything that I have done has been undone.

The rocks piling on top of my lungs, crushing them.

Peace and serenity rushes in like a flood.

Another swipe. And another one.

The gory sight presented on my thin, once pale wrists, are covered in a gooey plum red.

I let out a long sigh and lay in the dirty tub for what seems like an eternity. My once grinning face turns pale and blank.

I've done it again and I promised those I wouldn't.

The feeling is back expect a new friend has come along. The strong feeling of guilt is suddenly washing thru my body like a tsunami.

My friend always knew how to dispose of my worries and make me feel better again.

Whenever I called they were there.

The blade has become my life long partner.

Would I ever leave it? I do not know

But in this very moment I felt as all chaos and intrusive thoughts have left me.

All that I have done has been undone.

But eventually my friend will leave like all the others including my conscience.

This sensation of relief will soon fade and I will be back to reality.

And ahead will lie the long, exhausting battle of staying alive.

Staying alive.

Losing my mind.

And fighting for something I should've done a long time ago.