How to End Up

Caramel scotch on the rocks;

You tip back your glass;

You didn’t think life

Would change so very fast.

There is your wife,

She’s having an affair

With a pilates instructor

Who has better hair.

Your best friend, Craig

He’s getting hitched.

You’ll be the third wheel

Ham in bread, sandwiched.

And there is your boss,

thought your comments were crass

and now you are fired,

God, he's a jackass.

There is your dog,

Who has to be dying,

And the goddamn vet

Who wouldn’t stop crying.

“Want another drink?”

The bartender leans over,

“I can’t have you leaving

Entirely sober.”

“Yeah,” you reply

“Just screw me up.”

And then the bartender

Pours milk in your cup.

Not two percent,

But sweet whole dairy.

You can’t remember the name

Of the girl Craig will marry.

And you find yourself

Spilling, stumbling out of the bar.

You look for your car,

Man, it’s parked too damn far.

But there is a taxi,

Conveniently near.

You’re proud to have found it;

You’re glad it is here.

After some small talk,

Current events and the weather,

He asks, “how are you?”

You smile. “Couldn’t be better.”