Staying alive

Everything always hurts

No one ever understands

My parents try but they make it so much harder

I only joke about it with my friends

I can't talk to any teachers or adults

My sisters are all out there living their lives

I hold that pill bottle full of painkillers

I wonder if that would make everything numb

Get rid of that pain I've felt since I was thirteen

But then I remember

My older sisters

My parents

My family

My friends

My "adopted" little sister

They mean the world to me

They mean life to me

My oldest sister is starting to live on her own

I can't ruin the beginning of her adult life

My second oldest sister is out in Australia, finally overcoming her anxiety

She's come so far and done so much, how could I ruin that for her

My third oldest sister is just starting college, figuring out what she wants to do

I don't want to ruin her future or interests

My friends are all struggling through high school as well

I would ruin so many of the few fond memories they had made

My best friend is overcoming so many of her childhood traumas

I would ruin so much progress and make her work through even more

My parents try so hard, and do so much

I would make them feel like they failed when it wasn't them

My grandmother is kind and cares so much

I can't make her outlive her youngest grandchild

My little "sister" is starting High school, and she's excited to see me more

She's gone through so much with her family how could I put her through more

While I sit on my bed

Awake in the middle of the night

Wondering if this pain is worth it

I remember the reasons I struggle on

Playing games with family at gatherings

Grocecry shopping with one sister

Talking with another

Writing with the thrid

Poking fun at my friends

Joking with my dad

Crafting with my mom

The puttering and worry of my grandmother

Laughing with my little "sister"

I would do anything for all of them

Drop everything for them

So I drop the bottle, and the idea

And hold onto the memories for as long as I can