Lights on. Lights off.

Curtains closed.

Thoughts on all the way.

It was lingering in. Snaking in. Seizing my head.

Blankets over me.

Eden’s blanket over me.

I bit my lip so hard that it only made the tears trickle even more.

I wish there were a distraction.

A distraction to everything.

I wiped my tears away.

Sat on my desk chair.

Opened my computer.

I turned on my desk lamp.

Took my biology flashcards out.

Tried to study.

Ended up ripping the flashcards in half.

Tears.

A lot more tears than before.

My phone buzzed across the room.

I picked it up.

Eden asked to come over to my house.

I wiped my tears away.

I answered, What for?

He responded, Need assistance w/ homework :(

I gave him a thumbs-up emoji, turning off my phone.

But my phone buzzed again.

He texted, Are you okay?

Why did he ask?

What did I do?

Did I do something wrong?

I’m not okay-

I’m fine.

I texted him, I’m fine

Just fine? he said.

I’m breaking apart-

Just fine.

You’re worried about me, I said.

His text bubbles showed up.

For a whole minute.

Until it stopped.

And instead, he texted back, Just checking in, that’s all x

Eden went offline.

I don’t think that was what he wanted to say at first.

I’m fine.

Fine.

Just fine.

I’m not okay right now

Always been fine.

I don’t think I’ll be okay anytime soon-

Always been okay.

I desperately need a hug right now-

I don’t need one.

And I don’t know if I can take it anymore-

I wish everyone could just leave me alone.

Desk lamp off.

Ripped flashcards on my desk.

I threw myself onto my bed.

I hadn’t felt this broken in so long.

And I don’t think it was because of my recent test score.

I was supposed to be the confident one.

I was supposed to be the strong one.

This kind of thing was getting bad again.

But I didn’t have a reason to be like this.

But that was the thing.

None of it came with reasons.

It would just happen.

Sometimes gradually.

But other times like a flick of a light switch.

One day, I would feel infinite. Like it was me against the world and I was winning.

And the next day, I was breaking apart. A single gust of me and the flames of me would blow away.

Today was one of those days. The breaking apart kind of day.

God

I

just

want

to

plan my demise- no.

disappear- no.

be fixed- no.

be dead- no.

be understood.