(i dont have a therapist)

if i had a therapist i would tell them i didnt exist

and backtrack quickly of course, confirming that logically, fundamentally, i was aware of my existence

i would try to explain however

how non existent this existence felt

how sometimes i feel if i think too much i would go insane and so i

scroll on instagram for hours to fill the silence

i would tell them that im scared my friends would leave but more than that

im scared that im not that scared by the prospect

that is to say

id say

im scared that the only feeling i seem to feel is

empty dread

and i would tell them i feel empty

but not in the way i felt when i was so depressed i

couldnt get out of bed

instead

i would try to explain how ive stopped writing my diary

or writing poetry

and when i scroll through pictures on my phone it is like scrolling through someones life

i swear there was a time i felt alive

id say

but i truly cannot say what that felt like

i think i will keep fading

to nothing

without a care

and everyone i claim to love

even as i forget the feeling

will realise i am nothing

but a puppet with no puppeteer.