Here.

The first song in Hozier's new album makes this make more sense to me. As did an episode of Midnight Gospel titled "Annihilation of Joy". I recently understood the numb more. But first, a brief overview of my relationship with it.

Numb is an old friend... Like many other "negative" emotions. Calling them negative seems rude now... Probably because I try to respect and understand their existence more. Coming to terms with my own being and all that.

Numb was one of the strongest parts of my melancholia. Many, many years of a push and pull between feeling too much and nothing at all. Those were the two kinds of bottoms I'd hit, getting lower every time and I feared this one. I hated how it sucked everything out of me like a vacuum. How I would stare at the ceiling and wait for emotion that may or may not come, how it felt like the emptiness would last forever in those long, silent moments.

It took over many things. Relationships with people. The things I loved became muted, subdued, faded. I was fading along with. And the more I sank in, the more it made sense and made me feel insane all at once.

I think I understand the point of it now, however. In two ways. The first is that it's there to protect me... From the other side of the spectrum. The muting may be extreme but it softens everything... Until nothing matters. I've had bad experiences that were only survivable, to some extent, because of the numbness. Because of the empty. Because negative emotions, despite the way they make us feel, exist for a reason. I don't enjoy them either but every last one of them works for you, just as the rest of your body, soul and mind try to.

The second thing isn't complex. Not to me, anyway. I've seen the quote many times that says we are the universe experiencing itself. If I am the universe the everything that has ever made me happy represents every star in the sky, every floating celestial body. New and old as they explode into existence and fade away into the ether. Every book. Every TV show. Every wonderful fanfiction there has ever been. My family. The people I've loved and lost the gaze of. Stars.

The empty is the darker part. The numb is what lies outside of all the feeling and emotion humans possess. Sometimes it has a cause but often times, it just appears to me. Usually when I put away stimulation and let myself drift. Or when I think so much that my brain shakes its head and shuts us down. The numb is a long blanket that occupies the parts of our existence that are not filled with things. Love and hope and rage and desires. The part that is just us existing on a planet for a little while. The us behind all the other.

I wouldn't say I enjoy it. It's not meant to be enjoyable. It's neutrality at its strongest. But there is no bright, burning star or violent comet crashing through the cosmos without the blanket of dark empty space between. There is a beauty to it. A need to it. It's the base of what we are. The behind. The underneath. At least, to me. Cut it some slack. Give it a listen. Allow yourself to be a while. It isn't there to hurt you. It's just...

Here.