Lists

3 reasons my cat may be a CIA agent:

- He watches me as I sleep

- Every time I consider journalism he glares at me till I stop

- I'm pretty sure he staged a coup to have the landlord's cat go missing so he's the only cat in the apartment building

3 reasons the aliens left without bothering:

-They arrived in Florida first

-Some dude showed them Twitter as a way to understand the human race

-Another dude explained the de-yassification of the green M&M and its controversy with pictures

3 reasons the FDA approves of alcohol/nicotine:

-It's the only way some of them cope with the vile creations people try to sell to the public

-It can be beneficial in reasonable quantities

-No seriously you guys someone tried to submit a dry jerky made of squirrel tail. When that got brought into the office, 4 guys went straight to a bar, 2 went to the roof for a smoke, and 3 skipped all those and just went straight to an AA meeting.

3 excuses to call out of work so you can go fishing:

-Hey Boss I'm feeling quite down today, I think I Cod really use a pick me up. I know I was meant to be handling the morning shift (Hali)-but I really don't think I could make it.

-Yeah no seriously boss, I was just telling this green looking dude about the M&M thing and he just started running and took my roof with him

-You give me the day off and that'll be the end of it. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. Wait what do you mean fired? I mean I'll take it but wow, talk about an overreaction.

Wait… what is that hiding in the corner?

-Dude I'm not hiding from my cat. Yes this is an application to work for the Washington Post. No man, I told you that CIA cat thing was a joke. Wait, where is he?

-I'm actually choosing not to look in that corner. No I didn't know the shadows growled when you got close. Huh, hell portal? Nah never considered it. Well no, obviously I'm not going to close it, do you know how much I save on heating every winter?

-I can't articulate my astonishment. How is it that you of all people have first contact with an alien race, and within 15 minutes you have them curled up in a corner. Oh my god is it crying, what did you do? Green M&M? Nope, I don't need to hear anymore. Wait, where's your roof?