Released

I began my first day in the world as a nervous wreck. For eighteen and a half years I had no real choices. I was told where to work and when to go there. I was given a certain attire to wear and there was no alternative than the white, but slightly dingy, clothes I was handed.

Now I was in what we referred to as "the free world". I was handed a cell phone and my son called I didn't even know how to answer it. I walked around talking on speaker phone while holding the phone to my ear because I didn't know any better.

I didn't know what I wanted to eat. Really wasn't even sure if I could eat. The world seemed as if it would swallow me whole any minute now.I didn't even know what size clothes I wore. COVID had closed down dressing rooms but the lady sympathized with me and led me to a bathroom wear I could try on some jeans.

The choices were overwhelming. Deodorant, toothpaste, tampons, socks and shoes. I asked my mom what had happened to all the cheap stuff. Apparently nothing was cheap anymore. For years there was very little choice. There was no chaos. But now I was facing my first day of irrational and overwhelming fear because I had no idea what to choose.

My first day of freedom had also been my last day of incarceration. I left the world I knew so well and walked out into a place that didn't move in straight lines. A place where I had to make all of my own decisions. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. The first day came and went as did my first year and then my second. I can still feel the overwhelming weight of my first day but I am glad I had it.