Blue Shades of My Heart

The twelve-year-old girl

cracks open her bedroom door,

tiptoeing around her sleeping parents

and little sister,

in search of a God.

Maybe they wake up

understanding why she needs

to believe another dimension exists.

Where does happiness live?

I’m standing in auntie’s kitchen,

while the girl in the blue ruffled top

dips candy canes into hot cocoa.

Auntie’s friend tells her,

“Blue is your color.”

In that moment, the one-sided mirror

between her and the world shatters,

and she’s no longer invisible.

She beams, choosing a color,

her special gift.

Polyester becomes her second skin,

a synergy, transforming

her confidence.

I watch her spread her wings,

wearing her blue ruffles.

She’s facing her classmates,

reciting her story of faith

and imagination.

A dark chocolate cross,

with a cherry stone center,

holding the power to heal

the world.

I step further into her memories,

revisiting summers spent

at Brakehart lake.

She’s darting into the glistening waters,

oblivious to sandstones grazing

her bare feet.

In the ocean’s reflection,

Nana’s nose crinkles when I kiss

her soft cheek.

Ma’s teasing me, calling me

an little old lady (I prefer old soul.)

for enjoying lemon cake

and hot black tea

and green pistachio ice cream.

My Dad is alive, joking about filling

our jelly shoes with peanut butter,

and I hear my sister’s shrieking laughter,

amidst smoky air

and burnt hotdogs

of our family barbecue.

I choke on bittersweet tears

and dive in after her.

I love myself most

when submerged in an ocean

of affection, cradling every heart

I treasure.

My heart swells, remembering her

dancing and belly laughing

with my sister and cousin,

the photograph I hold close.

What I’ve longed for is here—

happiness lives within

the twelve-year-old.

Within me, in the sunny skies

of my childhood memories.

I vow to no longer search

outside of her.

I rub my raw hands, after twenty years

tearing myself down,

searching for something worth saving.

For the first time, I discovered myself.

I cradled my heart,

a heart I hadn’t held

in forty two years.