i’m sorry he made me hate you: an apology to october

Look

I think we got off to a bad start

It's really not your fault how awful I've been feeling

Really, it isn't

And I've been blaming you for that, that was my bad

It's just that

You know how great last year was?

You know how great that was for me?

Having him in my life this time last year?

It was so heavenly

HE was so heavenly

He made me love you

He made me love the leaves, and the sky

And sending him pictures of how beautiful you could get

I loved wearing his clothes when you got extra chilly

And then it was like you and I had a little thing to share

Just the two of us

We could talk about how great he was making us

How loving him was making me love you even more

I could whisper how lucky I was to your winds at night

Like girls gossiping at a sleepover

He was like a little bond we shared, something to keep us connected

He was the sap of our birchwood kinship

Because I loved him, and you gave him to me

And I was so grateful to you for that

So look, it's not your fault that he's not around this year

I've been blaming you, hating you for not bringing him back

For making me walk the crunchy leafy streets alone

For having no extra warmth to your chilly autumn air

For taking pictures and having no smiley boy to send them to

For feeling alone

For missing that

But it's not your fault

You didn't do that to me, and I shouldn't have blamed you for it

That was unfair

Because this is probably hard on you too

I lost him, but you lost both of us

I've been sulking a lot lately,

Staying inside and resenting the season I used to hold so dearly

That used to reek of new love, and possibility

Depressed and disillusioned, as many often are with you

That you could be so loving one year

And so vacant the next. So grief-stricken, and mournful

But I'm sorry. Him leaving didn't mean you're out to get me

It doesn't mean you're trying to hurt me, or haunt me

You're just doing what you always do

You're wonderful

You're as wonderful as always

Because even now that I'm alone,

Alone, and stubborn, and vengeful,

You still gift me autumn days

And crisp breezes,

And orange sunsets, and spicy donuts,

And thick sweaters that I don't have to share,

And the smell of pumpkin and leaves,

And bags of apples, and warm hugs and fires,

And you know what?

They may not be mine and his

But now they are mine and yours to share.

I can hold your hand as I walk sunsetted streets,

And whistle with your winds as I crash into leaf piles,

And share the sight of the moon with you

Except you don't need me to send you a picture

You can watch it right there with me

I think you've actually been right with me the whole time

It's good to have you back, my friend

It's good to be back myself